#1
when you look into his eyes
you get the sudden surprise
when you're with him time flies
coz you're having fun

you loved him all your life,
things didnt go your way
you gotta sturt your strife
and have the heart to say

when i look into your eyes
i get a sudden surprise
when i'm with you time flies
coz i'm havin fun

i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me

when i look into your eyes
i get a sudden surprise
when i'm with you time flies
coz i'm havin fun

Comments appreciated
#2
Its rare for me to be so blunt commenting on someones work but unless your trying to write cheesy pop please abandon all of those lyrics. Sorry to be so harsh but I assume you'd prefer honest criticism to a nice lie :/
#3
I disagree with weorge, quite strongly actually.

Often people try to be too artsy and meaningful and the lyrics just lose themselve in some artistic indulgence losing the fact its a song and losing the flow. If you have to spent to much time analysing the lyrics to find the meaning your not gonna grab an audience, they'll be left scratching their heads, a song is only approximately 3 minutes, and not for an english lit evaluation.

I think simplicity can create a great song. some of the best songs and top songs of today and the past have simple and often predictable lyrics and they were hugely popular.

I can often listen to a song and guess the next line, and thats not a bad thing.

Your song has a good rhyming scheme, and a strong flow. I can easily write music to this and create a song that I feel would be well recieved.

If it was a little longer I would even request the opportunity to try and create a song for it!!

I love lyrics that fit to music so well and these do!
#4
At first glance of this section, I thought it was using too much filler words. Then I thought about it a little more. This section I pasted below would make a great prechorus IMO, it nicely sums up a vibe of uncertainity and hesitance in telling someone how you feel about them! I'd just advise you to bear in mind the delivery so it doesn't sound extremely cheesy

"i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me"
Conor
Last edited by ckly at Jul 2, 2011,
#5
ok cheers. the chorus changes words but has the same tune. i will alter it and post it on here when done. i have not got any access to anything to record the songs so i cant show you sorry
#6
It's simplistic, and I can appreciate that a lot. Sometimes I find it really refreshing to take lyrics at face value and not try to get into your head and decipher your soul.

I agree with ckly that

i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me


would make an excellent pre-chorus or something of the sort. This is where your rhythm is at its best.

Although I like it overall, the second verse doesn't satisfy me. Especially the life/strife rhyme.
I'm sure you've noticed I have a particular aversion to rhyming - sometimes I feel it is an unnecessary hindering to lyrical expression. But that's just my personal style.

The carefree easygoing vibe is great. Maybe work on your wording a bit to spice it up, and perhaps adding length wouldn't hurt, but great job.
#7
when you look into his eyes
you get the sudden surprise
when you're with him time flies
coz you're having fun

you loved him all your life,
things didnt go your way
you gotta find some guts
and have the heart to say

i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me

when i look into your eyes
i get a sudden surprise
when i'm with you time flies
coz i'm havin fun

i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me

i wanna have you now
dont wanna let you be
im gonna look so hard
to try and find your key

The key that opens your heart
the key that will make me free

i ought to tell you
i mean
coz no one will tell you
you see
nothing will keep you from me

when i look into your eyes
i get a sudden surprise
when i'm with you time flies
coz i'm havin fun

havin fun

-------------------
BOOM, im a terrorist
lol JK
Boom im finished. my only snag is i cant really find the music, but thats my worry.
thanks critics