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#1
Post your jokes, originals or ones you found online.

Doesn't matter what kind of joke it is.

I'll start...

Every time I have sex, just to be safe, I pretend the girl has herpes...
So I don't have to tell her about my herpes.
#2
Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff.

Bad Dum Tscchhhh.

And the standard is maintained.
You Dont Know Me

I have 10 Anarchy Points - I also have 8 Mythology points!

Peavey Generation EXP Custom White
Yamaha 120S Black
Korg AX5G
Digitech Whammy
Zvex Fuzz Factory
Boss OS2

Quote by mrfinkle213
This man has brains.

Quote by CoreysMonster
Banned for indirect reference.
#3
How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

How do you kill a blonde's sister?

Tell her to perform CPR on her.
#5
Why did the hedgehog cross the road.....

*puts on glasses*

To see his flatmate!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#6
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
Quote by metal4eva_22
Banned because reading wht you types is for hookers and fat peopel.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I'm so hip, I know Victoria's secret.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Banned for looking at rather corpulent gluteus maximi.
#9
heres some more.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association.

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

There was a road called Chuck Norris, but they had to close it because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
#10
A gay guy, a crackhead and an alchoholic go into a bar together. A random man says to the alchoholic "Take one mroe drink adn you're going to die" the alchoholic takes on more drink and dies. The gay man and the crackhard are now scared so they leave the bar. The crackhead sees some crack on the ground and the gay guy is walking behind him. The gay guy says "pick that up and we'll both drop dead" the crackhead bends over to pick the crack up and they drop dead.

If you don't get it *T_T.
Quote by metal4eva_22
Banned because reading wht you types is for hookers and fat peopel.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I'm so hip, I know Victoria's secret.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Banned for looking at rather corpulent gluteus maximi.
Last edited by Nicki Minaj at Jul 2, 2011,
#12
Knock knock-
-Who's there?
Chris Benoit
-Chris Benoit who?
Chris Benoit murdered himself and his whole family
Ted: [Whispering to Bill] Your stepmom is cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
#13
Quote by Nicki Minaj
A gay guy, a crackhead and an alchoholic go into a bar together. A random man says to the alchoholic "Take one mroe drink adn you're going to die" the alchoholic takes on more drink and dies. The gay man and the crackhard are now scared so they leave the bar. The crackhead sees some crack on the ground and the gay guy is walking behind him. The gay guy says "pick that up and we'll both drop dead" the crackhead bends over to pick the crack up and they drop dead.

If you don't get it TT.

.....I don't get it
#14
Quote by SGplayer1991
.....I don't get it


Okay, heres the joke of it, The crackhead bent over to pick the crack up. The gay guy saw the crackheads butt when he bent over and died. The crackhead smoked the crack and died from the unhealthiness xD
Quote by metal4eva_22
Banned because reading wht you types is for hookers and fat peopel.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I'm so hip, I know Victoria's secret.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Banned for looking at rather corpulent gluteus maximi.
#15
Quote by Nicki Minaj
Okay, heres the joke of it, The crackhead bent over to pick the crack up. The gay guy saw the crackheads butt when he bent over and died. The crackhead smoked the crack and died from the unhealthiness xD


...I still don't get it
Nobody Knows How to Talk To Children.
#18
Quote by Nicki Minaj
Okay, heres the joke of it, The crackhead bent over to pick the crack up. The gay guy saw the crackheads butt when he bent over and died. The crackhead smoked the crack and died from the unhealthiness xD

WHACK! I thought it had something to do with rape....
#20
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Wait, have you guys heard of that one joke that they only don't tell gay people?


Yeah and it's not funny it's way too offensive for this family site.
#21
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Wait, have you guys heard of that one joke that they only don't tell gay people?

haha I see what you did there yes I have heard it
#23
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Quote by metal4eva_22
Banned because reading wht you types is for hookers and fat peopel.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I'm so hip, I know Victoria's secret.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Banned for looking at rather corpulent gluteus maximi.
#24
An avalanche at the Glad tupperware factory was reported today with massive casualties. Upon hearing the news, friends and family of the victims couldn't contain themselves.
#25
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
The husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough


that was bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jul 2, 2011,
#26
Two fish swim into a brick wall. One looks to the other and says "damn!!"
Is it hot in here??

This one time in Dubai.....

#27
YLYL with a different name?!?!?!
Sell and Promote your music TuneHub!



wy is yer mad at muy gramhar fer?


Quote by jimmyled
jimmybanks youre a genius.


aparently i ar smrt?
Quote by dyingLeper
jimmybanks youre a genius


GO SENS GO
#30
There were once two young beautiful nuns painting a room. They couldnt mess up their robes so they undressed to the nude. They closed the door behind them and started painting. There was a knock on the door "WHo is it?" one nun said. "I'm a blind man" the man responded. The other nun whispered "Well if he's blind what have we got to lose?" "Come in" the other one said. The man walked in with blinds tucked under one arm, he looked at the two nuns adn said "Woah"
Quote by metal4eva_22
Banned because reading wht you types is for hookers and fat peopel.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I'm so hip, I know Victoria's secret.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Banned for looking at rather corpulent gluteus maximi.
#31
Do you know how to get rid of crabs?? (the STD not actual crabs)

Shave half your pubes off, light the rest on fire and when they run across stab them with a fork!!
#32
Quote by CoreysMonster
the best joke ever is also the longest joke in the world. It is a true testament to the difference in instant gratification and intelligence, patience and the resulting payoff.

Read it all the way through, only then will you get it.

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

Wow i hate you lol just wasted an hour of my life...
Rock on or die

Guitarist 5 years, Had purpose in life 5 years

Quote by angusfan16
My name is NOT Anus Fan!
#33
Quote by nirvanagrunge13
Wow i hate you lol just wasted an hour of my life...



bitch, please. Puns are the highest form of humor. Right above fart jokes.
#34
Shit that longest joke ever was golden DD
Fight the evolution, play large intervals!
#35
Quote by CoreysMonster
the best joke ever is also the longest joke in the world. It is a true testament to the difference in instant gratification and intelligence, patience and the resulting payoff.

Read it all the way through, only then will you get it.

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

That joke was awesome.
The punchline was cheesy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the story.


OT:
There were drei peanuts walking down the strasse and one of them was assaulted...


....


Peanut
#36
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Wait, have you guys heard of that one joke that they only don't tell gay people?


No. Tell it.
Tool
Sleep
Gojira
Puscifer
Neurosis
Sunn O)))
Meshuggah
Modest Mouse
Electric Wizard
Mammoth Grinder


Lucid Dreaming Thread
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