#1
Hanging from the fire escape,
Putrid rags of yesterday,
Thrown away.

Pressed against the muddy walls,
The linen keeping me enthralled,
And you’re to blame.

The decaying landscape at our feet,
We can’t see past the messages,
We graffitied.

“The women, they come and go,
Talking of Michelangelo”.


Scattered pills of blue and white,
They hold the keys to the nightlife,
For them you cry.

The living room has blown away,
We’re left to wallow in its remains,
Living in the shame.

These high-rise slums in twos and threes,
We’re stuck on level seventeen,
Claustrophobic.

I watch myself from across the room,
Smashing the mirrors that brought me my gloom.

They said that Blood is the new Black.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
Last edited by andychalmers102 at Jul 3, 2011,
#2
I like this piece a lot. I'm having a hard time picturing it over music in my head at the moment, but i'm sure you have some sort of idea of wether or not that would happen. The stanza i like the most is the first one. It really drew me in, and i also feel like its something i might have written myself. The two stanzas that i felt were the weakest were

The decaying landscape at our feet,
We can’t see past the messages,
We graffitied.

“The women, they come and go,
Talking of Michelangelo”.


For some reason "the messages, we graffitied" bothered me when reading it. And i also felt the the Michelangelo line was somewhat unnecessary from my point of view. Just rhyming with Michelangelo with something for the sake of doing it. That being said both of these also aren't really issues to me as well. This is my opinion but i feel like many people would disagree with me rather than say that you should re-write.

Anyway, enjoyed this piece A LOT.
#3
Thanks for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed it. The line “The women, they come and go,
Talking of Michelangelo” was actually lifted from a poem by T.S. Eliot (hence the quotation marks). I just felt like it fitted in with the idea of the piece nicely, and works well as a chorus in the arrangement that I have for the song.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.