#1
A song thats going on my bands new album. Feeling a little anarchy on the 3rd of July.

Monsters-

This paranoia is getting old
And I’m getting sick of this mold
They chose so long ago
I know that it will never fit
Because that’s what all the people say
The people say, the people say

You’ll self-destruct sooner or later
You’ll burn your playhouse to the ground

How does it make any sense?
To have 4 arms and 2 head
Pulling in different directions
You’re a freak and they’ll all stare
Cuz that’s what all the people do
The people do, the people do

You’ll self-destruct sooner or later
You’ll burn your playhouse to the ground

There are monster
There not under my bed
There not in my closet
I know you want me to think there just inside of my head
There on the corner
With there faces in masks
shaking babies
And kissing hands

The more hands you have the more marionettes
And you put on quite a show
With all these flashing lights
I never know what’s coming next
But that’s the thrill of it all
I guess, I guess
#2
this is quite a heavy metal song with quite a tempo. the lyrics are great, however its not my cup of tea
#3
Firstly, I think you wanted:

"There are monsters.
They're not under my bed,
they're not in my closet."

Not a big deal, the type of mistake I make all the time without thinking about it... just letting you know.

Otherwise, I'm just going to go through this a stanza at a time I think.


This paranoia is getting old
And I’m getting sick of this mold
They chose so long ago
I know that it will never fit
Because that’s what all the people say
The people say, the people say

Rhyming old and mold seems safe. Along with that, the idea here is an overused idea. Linking Paranoia and "what people say" is a bit cliche. This also doesn't develop much: I mean, the whole thing can be summed down to, "I'm felling paranoid and I don't like it." However, you stretch that over six lines... only two of which (the first two) have any real content... everything else is filler. From a writing standpoint, it's a) inefficient and b) boring. Give me something with more depth and maybe you'll hold my interest. By the end of this stanza, I'd pretty much already given up on this piece because it was so generic. I finished because I'd decided to comment on the piece... but you aren't helping yourself as an artist by delivering things that are, frankly, so boring that people read the lyrics and lose interest.

You’ll self-destruct sooner or later
You’ll burn your playhouse to the ground

I guess it's not bad. Again, it seems like it's stuck in the generic mold of "going crazy" songs that have been around since people knew what crazy was.

How does it make any sense?
To have 4 arms and 2 head
Pulling in different directions
You’re a freak and they’ll all stare
Cuz that’s what all the people do
The people do, the people do

*heads. How does this make any sense? So we were paranoid... and stuck in some sort of mold... now there's a creature things with multiple heads and we're telling it how much of a freak it is? Currently, I'm lacking connection between the two. Different types of monsters? More playhouse burning? I don't know. Again, your last two lines are pure filler. maybe it fits in the rhythm of the song... but as a line on a piece of paper... it's just garbage.

You’ll self-destruct sooner or later
You’ll burn your playhouse to the ground

There are monster
There not under my bed
There not in my closet
I know you want me to think there just inside of my head
There on the corner
With there faces in masks
shaking babies
And kissing hands

Ok... I'm with you until the last two lines... given that I think your first 6 are generic, boring, safe, and altogether a bit uninteresting. Where did a baby reference come from? Why kissing hands? These are respectful, gentlemanly monsters who believe in the 16th century chivalric tradition of kissing the hands of ladies they meet? Do they also wear monocles and make comments about "dandy weather and fine brandies?"

The more hands you have the more marionettes
And you put on quite a show
With all these flashing lights
I never know what’s coming next
But that’s the thrill of it all
I guess, I guess

Yeah, I'm lost. So more hands = more puppets, more puppets = more interesting monsters? how did we get here from Paranoia? Who are the puppets in this case? Metaphor or actual monster dangling a puppet? You're giving me nothing to go on here. What your delivering are a lot of lines with vague generalities that are nothing beyond unpersonal, generic lines that anyone could stitch together. Deliver me something more you. Deliver me something that hasn't been sung (in a more composed form) by Rob Zombie. You're lacking personalization... you're lacking a creative touch. Your regurgitating what Hollywood has put in movies for years.


This really doesn't hold together well under inspection beyond "does it flow enough to get into a song?" and "does it have a sort of central theme?" I personally don't find enough connection to even call the theme successful. It seems like a bunch of generic hollywood slogans about monsters and crazy people stitched together so you can talk about burning down a playhouse. If you want me to believe a crazy person is seeing monsters... have him light a clown on fire... have him chase a bat that's shaped like the virgin Mary through the streets of Bandyshoot town and trip over a wombat that speaks pig latin. I don't know... do something out of the ordinary; and give me a reason to think you are writing a song instead of stealing lines from someone else (I don't actually believe you stole the song, for the record, it's just so generic that it seems like it's been sung before). Go find some inspiration, come back, and re-write this, I think. In it's current state, it's nothing more than a melody line over a guitar lick. If you want it to be a song that is more than a voice wailing in random directions... you're going to need stronger substance to the words.

Sorry for being harsh... just my opinion.

Cheers,
Zach

If you feel like returning critique, try "Of the Fourth" in my sig. Thanks.
#4
Thanks for the crits!

I think part of the issue with the interpretation that was given was assuming things were cliches and not reading into them more. Nearly everything we say has been said before, but twisting cliches to fit other situations is something i've been trying to do lately. Like watching an animated movie as a child and again as an adult and seeing all the messed up jokes you never got as a kid. This song is about how i felt, at a time, that it was unnecessary to have such an abundance in our military. The 4 arms are the branches of the military and the 2 heads the main parties of government. I didn't think it was that hard of a analogy to understand, comparing politicians to monsters, but i may have been wrong considering i just had similar comments on the vagueness in my writing.

I appreciate the harsh criticism though rather than some fluffy nonsense!