#1
This is one of the few acoustic songs on my bands new CD that we're currently working on demoing.

CRC

Pavlov’s Dog’s-

Verse 1
I saw you driving again
Turned my car away
I knew this would happen
I try to look straight
I think you follow me
I think you stare
I think you couldn’t care less

My clothes they still smell
Like that terrible smell
I smell it everywhere
Its smells like hell
Still makes me drool
Drool like dogs
Who hear bells from Pavlov

Chorus
Conditioned for ages
Now I’m ripping out my pages

Verse
I have no plans again
Like every other day
So I drive to your work
And sit in your place
Think about the days
While I drive away
In the same model car

Pulling out my hair
Like ripping out the roots
That lead into my head
And keep in all the crooked
I guess I should feel bad
I guess it was short term
But reality wont let me

Chorus
Conditioned for ages
Now I’m ripping out pages my pages

Bridge
You can’t grab at what’s not there
You can’t read it aloud
Last edited by MurphysLaw at Jul 4, 2011,
#2
I normally like vagueness in songs, because it lets the listener apply his/her own life to the song. This, however, seems to me to be a bit too vague. The second part (next time please put "verse", "chorus", etc. Makes it easier to follow) especially is too vague. I get that the song is about a relationship (just like almost every other song nowadays), but normally a smell is not part of that relationship. If it was somehow, why do you hate the smell, but still drool over it? I think from reading this that the guy broke up with the girl, so why does the girl "not care less" about the guy?

Overall, i think its a good song. I do like the Pavlov reference, and the song flows quite well. It's just too vague for me.
#3
1:
OK... At best, I can see the transformation from a sublimation of your feelings to the reality of the situation. You go from her following you (even though you're the first witness and have to turn yourself away) to her not caring in the slightest.

2:
Repetition can be a good thing. Here, it's blasé. What's the smell? Is it the Pall Malls you used to share under the deck of a local pier? Is it the crack you used to do at parties in a subleased basement? Is it the jasmine tea you used to share while her mom's grandfather clock announced the hours? The average adult will catch the reference to Pavlov's dog, that certain stimuli elicit specific expectations. What can you offer beyond recognition of the fact?

3:
Pages of what?

4:
Think about what you're saying here: You take her place at work, metaphorically or otherwise, and there are no repercussions. And you don't work but think about "the days." Think about what days? And then you drive away in the same car as hers. This verse/stanza sounds like a stalker's mantra.

5:
"Pulling out your hair" means that you're ripping it from the roots that are literally inside your head. If you're trying to make some analogy to roots more commonly associated with trees and other flora, use different terminology. As for the aside that the Pavlovian experiment was short-term but its effects long-lasting, kudos. That could use better phrasing, but it's an important facet to what you're getting at. I'd consider it a high point to the piece as a whole.

6:
Same as my previous comments.

7:
Erm...

Be more articulate. Pavlov's dog is a touchstone of which the average reader has an understanding. If you're going to integrate something as well-known as the experiment at hand, be prepared to offer something profound or at least new.

March on, padawan.
I am a fake mountain.
#4
Quote by Dr. V
I get that the song is about a relationship (just like almost every other song nowadays), but normally a smell is not part of that relationship. If it was somehow, why do you hate the smell, but still drool over it?

The smell of sex can be pretty intense. Sometimes it's so passionate that there is a lingering odor that sticks to everything, but the stank reminds you of how much you want to do it again. At least that's what I got from it.
#5
hey all,

Thanks for the crit.

Definitely agree that this may be too vauge, but the vaugeness is intentional as well. The real question i have is, is it too vauge?

Also to clear a few things up:

Verse 1

The main character in this song is the one who was left behind. He is the one who is deeply effected by the relationship while the other party has moved it all on to being in her past. He wants to think she still cares, but knows the reality is more likely that she doesn't.

The smell is just the smell of the other person. Being in a relationship, one thing i notice the most is the smell of the other person, wether it is because i can smell them in person of from exchanged clothing or blankets or something. I almost always end up finding something in my room after a relationship ends that smells like my ex and makes me think of the good times and want them again rather than turning me away. Similar to the dogs conditioned to think of food in Pavlov's experiements.

Chorus:
The ripping out the pages is a play on the idea that as people we sort of form our own book of who we are in our heads. In this book we keep everything from what we beleive to who we know and love. I'm trying to convince myself that the chapters on this girl were merely just conditioning and not love and that i can rip away these pages rather than dwell on them.

Verse 2:

The stalker stanza is intentionally written as one, though its much more innocent in reality. We both used to work at a supermarket, so i would often have to go there to buy my food. I'd end up parking in the same spot i used to when i worked there which was often right next to her car. We also drive the same model car.

I like the ripping out my hair lines because i feel like its straight foward enough to be understood easily, which this song needs at this point apparantly.

The Bridge is a play on the book referance in the chorus, once i realized that what i was dealing with is fictional and all just built up in my mind i realized that what i was upset of wasn't even part of my life anymore. I literally cant grab at something thats no longer part of my life, or read it since it isn't there.

As for the critisicms, Much Appriciated. My bigggest issue as a writer is i often don't have people willing to critique my work so it stays as first drafts often. Hopefully the insight into what i was thinking makes things make more sense. Since i had to write out a thesis to explain this song though, i think i'll make some revisions.

LOL