#1
I tore out my eyes and replaced them,
Fitted my head with an array of cameras,
Infrared and thermal,
Fish-eye, extreme zoom, and high speed.

I cut out my ears and installed microphones,
High quality with sensitivity control,
Noise reduction, clarity monitors;
I can hear a pin drop at four miles.

I removed the area with memories of you
And placed instead a hard drive and recorder,
Both visual and audio,
Wired it all together,
And became the best
In bio-engineered recording equipment.

I never miss anything now.
So you won’t happen to me again.
#2
Very interesting concept. It reminded me of an emotional version of Meshuggah's "New Millenium Cyanide Christ."
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#3
The last two lines just seal the deal. This is definitely different and, I agree, interesting. I can't think of much I'd change in all honesty, although my mind can't keep a melody going for the line "In bio-engineered recording equipment" so I have to read it as two separate lines. I'm sure you have that figured out though.
#4
Hi Patrick.

I loved this until your last lines. You had such interesting imagery... you built up a six million dollar man of cynicism. You crafted lines like, "I can hear a pin drop at four miles." That is quintessential control of narration. That line alone made me cum in my pants. It delivers a voice, a character, it is you in a raw state... because of the tone and the aside and the everything.

So, we deliver these great lines... we build a character that anyone can visualize... it's almost a cartoon of replacing one's self due to stress and strain... it's a pretty build up.... and then you reach into a bag with a big label on the outside that says, "Horrific, childish, uninspired, romance novel lines" and draw out, "So you never happen to me again." Then you read it... twist it through your fingers, think to yourself... "goddamn, this is a horrific, childish, uninspired line. You know what, I'll throw a 'won't' in it... and everything will be god-hunky-damn-dory." And you were wrong, Patrick. You were wrong. It's not hunky-dory. It's lazy. It's piece ruining. If you're going to build up a character that is three dimensional as what you've created, don't flatworld me the narrative. Dive in to that third dimension and grill me some bacon. I want to hear a sizzle and smell a sexual revolution. You need to go back out there, dust off your sexy jeans, and deliver me some goods. If you want me to believe this piece... to take away the pain of filling a self-void with upgrades... I need to have something more personal than what Julie Garwood wrote 20 years ago. Don't take the cheap way out... roll up your sleeves and dive into filling this piece out.

Cheers.

If you get a chance, I'd appreciate thoughts on turtle in my sig.