#1
Audio recording of this song can be found in my profile, and a video link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_cp67787kU&feature=channel_video_title

The last piece I posted used heavier diction. This is much simpler. My intention is to present a simple story instead of making a statement. My main concern is the "weevels" line.

Crit for crit or Kit-Kats.

Seattle, Seattle

V
I kissed you in Seattle in a snowstorm in '04
Cars drunkenly staggered past Starbucks' doors
Hipster clerks laughed
And shuffled Blood on the Tracks
We stopped to get Chinese by the Puget Sound
I threw up in the toilet - I couldn't keep it down
You gave me some gum
And told me to cheer up

C
"Oh, city girl, pixie girl
Put down your whiskey and kiss me, girl
Silly girl, pretty girl
Loosen your kerchief and kiss me
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me kiss me kissmekssmeksme"

V
"Let's shoot up in the Space Needle. Wouldn't that be great?"
Instead, we went to Emerald City 'cause we had to sell your bass
It was a Rickenbacker. We got $800
We got enough to last us 'til March

C

B
You lost me when you got clean
Was I too pure for your veins?
Just dropped me like a bag of flour
Left in the cupboard 'til the weevels devoured it
Well, I could OD...
I could OD!
Yeah, I could OD
If you'll go down with me
Would you go down with me?
Will you go down with me?
Just for old time's sake
Will you go down with me
Please?
I am a fake mountain.
#3
I like the story telling style and the song in general (best songs tend to be written from experiences), crits would be to work on vocals and to get a better recording quality (can barely hear the guitar a lot of the time). particularly like the last verse (though yeah the weevils bit could do with changing). C4C?

http://www.youtube.com/user/weorgeish?feature=mhee#p/a/03AB5309DA79D509/1/8Ut2t4LV2wo
#4
While i'm not a huge fan of the style of this song, i think that it sets out to do what it accomplishes. It's not a "safe" song, which is its strongest point in my opinion, and with a few listens the vocal melody and lyrics did grow on me. I personally think the lyrics read much faster and actually read it as more of a pop-punk type tune, but how it currently is works very well too.

Also, the weevels line could be better, or replaced by something better imo.
#5
Quote by chud123
i was waiting for "will you go down on me"


Haha me too but I honestly thought this was a good song.
#6
Hmm. Not a fan of this, my articulate friend. I don't like choruses at all, but I think this one is quite annoying. The use of pixie just seems wrong, I already find your love interest annoying. But then, thats not out of bad writing, thats out of my preferences.

Concerning the weevil line, I don't think its THAT bad. Or I should say it shouldn't be your main concern. I think the line you need to iron out properly is

You lost me when you got clean
Was I too pure for your veins?

I reckon this is really pompous. Especially when earlier you mentionend hipster clerks earlier on. This sounds like something they'd say at their poetry slams. So yeah, don't use that.

I can't do really good critiques as you can dude, I only say what ever comers to mind when I read. I'm sorry I can't be of more use, but theres my comments anyway.

As I have seen you say before, I will share the sentiment of keep on rockin' in the free world.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#7
No BJs in this song. Sorry, folks.

weorge, yeah, the recording was done in a bedroom in 2008 or 2009. Of the versions I did, the one in my profile was the best, and even that had too much reverb. I think my friend has better recording equipment now, and teaching has strengthened my voice. However, if your issue is with the timbre of my vocals, I'll stand by that having been done on purpose, me melding the fragility of the speaker in the song with the style of singing. Anyway, how do you want me to critique that piece? Via a private message here or on YT?

Murph, thanks. I haven't written pop-punk in a long time (2002? 2003?). Everyone comes with expectations and ideas on how they picture a piece when they just have the words. Nothing wrong with that. No two people are not on fire. Awww.

Baggy, you don't like choruses in general, but mine isn't good? Huh? Your wording in the beginning isn't clear to me. Neither of the people in the song are good people. "Pixie" is a leftover from the original draft that I never figured would trigger enmity in anyone. Sorry you feel that couplet you brought up is pompous. In my delivery, that's not the aim. Did you give the track a listen? I've been playing this song so long, I've lost track of how those lines could come across to someone else. If anything, my penchant for bad puns got the better of me. The hipster reference... Well, that might be a word choice problem on my part. The piece is a reflection of a winter I had in 2004 (plus heroin), and I didn't even know what "hipster" meant back then. I put it in there to help with the hissing "s" of "clerks." Perhaps a more fitting, timeless (despite this being set in a definite year) substitute would be "sardonic?" It wouldn't create dissonance in the line, and the hard "c" sound would link well. Yeah, let's go with that. It's no big deal that you didn't care for it. Can't win 'em all. Thanks for taking your time, and what you put was useful. Keep on rockin'.

Wow, that got meta quickly. Thanks for helping me kill my baby, folks. It's for the best. Anyone else?
I am a fake mountain.
Last edited by DanTheHobbit at Jul 5, 2011,