#1
I wrote this a while ago, and it's pretty long. Any advice at all would be very appreciated.


He tells us stories
Of a family estranged
Of a lifetime rearranged
And a girl yet to be named

He tells us stories
Of a family displaced
By a lifetime of hate
A life gone to waste

He tells us stories
Of a quiet afternoon
Of a family he’ll see soon
On earth or on the moon

And the photographs
Corroborate his tale
His skin begins to pale
His soul all set to sail

He is the photograph man
Pass the stories while he can
A history in his hands
And he is the photograph man
Pass the stories while he can
A history in his hands

He tells stories
Of A band he use to lead
Of A child he had to feed
And the results of his deeds

He tells stories
Of the garden he never grew
Of the vicious life he knew
His children had no clue

He tells us stories
Of a better time
Of a lesser crime
Of a personal paradigm

And the photographs
Corroborate his tale
His skin begins to pale
His soul all set to sail

He is the photograph man
Pass the stories while he can
A history in his hands
And he is the photograph man
Pass the stories while he can
A history in his hands
#2
I honestly really liked the flow of this. It fits well and it is descriptive. I enjoyed reading it.
#3
There are people on this forum who dont seem to like songs that rhyme, they believe its not necessary and congratulate those who manage to write without it.

I'm not one of those people.

I believe that rhymes are important to helping the flow of a song. Yes, its not needed all the time, but it sure does help.

The reason I mention this is because your song is pretty much nothing but rhyme after rhyme, and to some extend you've proved both the rhyme lovers and rhyme haters right.

The excessive rhyming has give the song a good flow, as mentioned by Dpullam above, but it has also led to you adding some lines which seem to only be included to suit the rhyme.

Almost like you needed to find the rhyme, found a word and built the line backwards from it.

I did like this, there were some brillant line combinations that I was impressed with.

I guess what I'm saying is, you use rhyme well, but you use it a tad too much

Overall I enjoyed reading it and would certainly read more of your work.
#5
Quote by Dpullam
I honestly really liked the flow of this. It fits well and it is descriptive. I enjoyed reading it.

Same here!