#1
Okay guys again, I know it's a high school song. But, I'm in high school so why not? I'm only 15 and just starting to write songs. Any criticism is welcome


Verse 1
The moonlight was shining
Ever so brightly
Sitting under the stars we were together again
I was smiling in your arms*
Not crying on my bed

Pre-chorus
What happened to us?*
How could you do this to me?*
Why did you leave with my dignity?
Leaving me on my bed
And you just walking away*

Chorus
You left when I thought*
I thought you would stay with me
Instead you walked away
You just walked away ever so quickly

Verse 2
From the start we've been friends
I remember seeing that coal dark hair
The black rim glasses
Just sitting on the end of your nose
The things that made me fall for you*
Didn't happen until middle school
You asked me to semi*
In your white shirt
And your green *tie
The one I gave you*
From my mother
Who said she loved you*

Pre-chorus
What happened to us?*
How could you do this to me?*
Why did you leave with my dignity?
Leaving me on my bed
And you just walking away*

Chorus
You left when I thought*
I thought you would stay with me
Instead you walked away
You just walked away ever so quickly

Verse 3
High school came
Finally we were here
I was a nerd and you were prom king
You now wore those contacts
That made your eyes ever so green*
I could look forever at you
Holding my hand
Saying I looked pretty
Then you just left
You just left ever so quickly

Bridge

Why did you have to throw it*
Throw it all away*
Now I'm catching my tears*
As they roll off my cheek*
And saving them for you to see
Why'd you leave me
Here for another city?*

Pre-chorus
What happened to us?*
How could you do this to me?*
Why did you leave with my dignity?
Leaving me on my bed
And you just walking away*

Chorus
You left when I thought*
I thought you would stay with me
Instead you walked away
You just walked away ever so quickly

Verse 4

It was June,
The cold time came
When the heat was supposed to stay
You broke up with me
After the graduation
To follow your dreams
To be*
Across the country away from me
Why am I being so selfish?*
Why can't I see this is better for me?
This is better for me.*

Pre-chorus
What happened to us?*
How could you do this to me?*
Why did you leave with my dignity?
Leaving me on my bed
And you just walking away*

Chorus
You left when I thought*
I thought you would stay with me
Instead you walked away
You just walked away ever so quickly

You left ever so quickly
So quickly
You just walked away*
So, so quickly
*
Last edited by MissyBee123 at Jul 5, 2011,
#2
I like your style of writing for what it is. I've read the few pieces your posted lately and there slowly getting better. Keep it up! I dislike the lines

"why did you leave with my dignity?
Leaving me on my bed?"

try to avoid repeating a word one line after another, unless it works really well with a vocal melody or if you go on to repeat it in the phrase more. Sometimes word repetition works, but in this case i dont think it works as well as another word could. I think your writing could progress a lot if you were to throw some metaphors in there. Personally i think they add alot.

Overall, piece is good for what it is, i enjoyed it.