#1
This song doesn't really have a title yet but i use "It's not a lie if you believe it" as a working title. It's not finished yet but I would love to get some feedback on what I've got so far.


Harness my faith, show me my face
Give up your lies, and slaughter this tale
Turn off the shining lights and let all things be
Behind the curtains there’s no one but me

Solace for a washout, don’t exaggerate
Without a motive, deluding me aloft

Littering my mind for your benefit
Bewildering my perception with no gain


thanks!
#2
i like it, it needs more though. Feels unfinished, but obviously its a WIP. Something about shining bothers me in

"turn off the shining lights and let all things be"

could just be me though
#3
Quote by MurphysLaw
i like it, it needs more though. Feels unfinished, but obviously its a WIP. Something about shining bothers me in

"turn off the shining lights and let all things be"

could just be me though

Yes, it is obviously not finished, this is only like the first verse and a half (pre-chorus maybe).

Any ideas on what would work better than 'shining' ?

Thanks!
#4
this might sound strange but at the moment i feel this just hangs without a purpose. Its all just very descriptive overly indepth lingering phrases.

Whats it about? whats goin on? huh? what? where? when? why?

Its like your trying to hard to be deep. I know been too literal doesnt work but all the best lyrics in the word can be simply understood.

I feel ive spent more time analysing it than enjoying it, songs are only 3 minutes, not really enough time.

I'd use the rest of the song to give the lines you've got some context.

I do think the lines a good, great even, just tell me in the song what their referring to

apologies if I've completely missed the mark :S
Last edited by FrontmanShields at Jul 5, 2011,
#5
Quote by FrontmanShields
this might sound strange but at the moment i feel this just hangs without a purpose. Its all just very descriptive overly indepth lingering phrases.

Whats it about? whats goin on? huh? what? where? when? why?

Its like your trying to hard to be deep. I know been too literal doesnt work but all the best lyrics in the word can be simply understood.

I feel ive spent more time analysing it than enjoying it, songs are only 3 minutes, not really enough time.

I'd use the rest of the song to give the lines you've got some context.

I do think the lines a good, great even, just tell me in the song what their referring to

apologies if I've completely missed the mark :S


I see what you mean, and I agree to some extent.
The main idea behind the lyrics are to describe how society, family, friends, enemies, whatever "lies" about reality and tells you what to be/do. I wan't do decide for myself without too much interference from outside factors.

My inspiration is kind of Bon Iver-ish. Their lyrics are kind of mystical and deep, but they use very well constructed lines and pretty words.
I hope it seems a little bit clearer now, and as I said, this is a work in progress, and I'll try to make some changes to make the lyrics a little bit more comprehendable.

Thank you for very constructive criticism!
#7
Quote by wuyunlong1986
This topic is very classical

In a good or a bad way?
#9
Quote by Dpullam
It is a bit short but I like the detail in the lines.

thanks!