What a pretty little thing she was
But now she's lying here dying in a hospital bed
She could have had anything she wanted
Yet she wasted it all living in her ****ed up head

She thought all she'd need was booze and cigarettes
And the empty thoughts of being in a wedding dress
Well little girl, where's all that gone
The privilege of life has been withdrawn

Sit down and shut up and take a look at your past decisions
Well then, how did that work out for ya?

The lack of class and the overflow of attitude

Has lead you to an early grave
Does it feel good to be down and out?
Does it feel great facing the end?

(probably bridge)
your life can change in the blink of an eye

one minute you have it all the next you have none

Just live your life and get on with it

Or the world will crumble around you

Look at where it's ended up
It happens when you lead with ignorance
It may take some getting used to but why don't you just grow up?
Quote by output24
Haha, owned!
U win fender.

Quote by wiggy1988
teacher- Some slave owners would fight duels using their slaves
Me- So, sort of like Pokemon with people..Black man, I choose you!
I like it, but i definitely agree that its a work in progress. The chorus doesn't have that catchy hook that a chorus should have imo, but i'm also reading it on paper without a vocal melody or any musical idea behind it. I like the anger and the resentment that resonated when i read the piece but i think a little more back story for the emotion could be helpful. I understand your angry that she died but is it worth being angry at her for it and no other reason.

Overall i like the direction, just tie up the loose ends. If you can record a demo that'd be awesome!
I would have liked this a lot more if the entirety was up to par with the second stanza. That was really good. First stanza wasn't bad, just kinda gets upstaged a bit. I think the main problem here is smoothing out how you get your message across. It could use a little refinement, as the chorus strings out connected thoughts, they just don't really flow all that well together. If you could streamline it so it came across fluid, it would work wonders. Same goes for the last stanza, you know what you want to say, I would just work on how you say it.

The only part I actually didn't like was the bridge. Your writing was a lot stronger and personal feeling before you pulled back to a broader target. Once you started talking in statements about life in general, instead of the girl, it lost the passion. There was nothing as full of wit as "and empty thoughts about a wedding dress" compared to "just live your life and get on with it."

Obviously, as you said, it's a work in progress. I think revision will help this become a great piece though.

Would you mind critting back a piece of mine? I'd appreciate it