#1
I don't know if I like this yet. Some cool parts I think, but kinda cliche. Let me know what you think, I'll read some of your stuff if you leave a crit. THANK YOU

I stared clear
through the glass
that made my eyes
glisten and beam.

She thought I was beautiful
and wanted a kiss,
but I have no lips,
and I'm not soft enough.

My teeth protrude,
and stick out like a bear trap
that slit the rabbits
legs off,
with its blood
covering up my blond
peach fuzz,
making me less of a man.

My hair is the oil
lathered on the sun-babe's
skin in sunny California,
while her boy-toy
shoves sand down my thoat
and I suffocate on the sediment.

She thought I was beautiful
and I stopped talking to her.
Because no one could be
that stupid.
But she was pretty cute.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jul 6, 2011,
#2
I'm honestly not sure what to make of this. I do like it, but there's some phases that I'm not sure about (which is purely a personal point of view and is nothing against your writing ability)

I feel your descriptions of yourself may seem to overly dark, with the talk of skin, teeth, blood, slit rabbits legs etc.

It's tough from just the words, but the image it creates would probably only seem appropriate with a heavier style song.

If this was a heavier song then I feel the words would not only be appropriate, but would make a great song.

Keep up the good work.
#3
Yeah, it's a poem. I don't know, I like writing dark stuff, but I guess it's not for everyone.

If you have something you'd like me to read, edit it in your previous post and I'll check it out
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#4
Quote by brandon369852
I don't know if I like this yet. Some cool parts I think, but kinda cliche. Let me know what you think, I'll read some of your stuff if you leave a crit. THANK YOU

I stared clear
through the glass
that made my eyes
glisten and beam.
This didn't really do anything for me. Are you talking about the glass of a window or the glass of a mirror? The title would suggest it was a mirror but the actual verse make me think it was a window that you could see through. That then made me think the turmoil was a reflection (pun not intended) of you and your mind. But I can't figure out why, what it means, and whether that's true or not.

I also don't care for the way "stared clear" sounds when you speak it out loud. It takes a few reads to fully get your tongue around, and I think you could have made the opening a little easier on the reader. It doesn't offer much in the way of positivity, subconsciously as well as consciously.

"Glisten and beam" didn't flow very well either.


She thought I was beautiful
and wanted a kiss,
but I have no lips,
and I'm not soft enough.
I wanted to like this but it seemed like you were trying too hard to acquaint us with your difficulties and your inability to be confident or to accept your face as it is. I think more subtlety would have been far more believable and would have added more of the layers I'm about to mention.

My teeth protrude,
and stick out like a bear trap
that slit the rabbits
legs off,
with its blood
covering up my blond
peach fuzz,
making me less of a man.
I most certainly like this more than the other verses in terms of technique and aggression but the line breaks didn't feel necessary, and the "blond peach fuzz/making me less of a man" line didn't really make any sense to me. Are you talking about your hair colour? How does that make you less of a man? Again, it's like you really want us to feel sorry for you, but you have to make us believe that by being discreet and plausible.


My hair is the oil
lathered on the sun-babe's
skin in sunny California,
while her boy-toy
shoves sand down my thoat
and I suffocate on the sediment.
This is really quite a intense verse to stomach but I don't see why where you fit into this. Is your oily hair metaphorically the bff you are to her? That you are the shoulder to lean on - or, suntan lotion to keep her skin from burning - and that you have to watch as she parades around with a boy-toy.

A boy-toy insinuates that this girl is actually an older woman, because the phrase comes from the idea of an older lady befriending a younger, healthier, fitter gentlemen. That confuses me because you're a young lad. Maybe this is actually your way of telling us your secret desires. Like I was saying, I find this, albeit having one layer and somewhat obvious in structure, actually quite confusing and riddled with what I see as potential mistakes.

She thought I was beautiful
and I stopped talking to her.
Because no one could be
that stupid.
This is most certainly trying too hard. Unless I've missed something monumental here - and I apologise if I have - but I just can't into the vibe of it at all.
But she was pretty cute.
There was a definite shift of tone here that I didn't see coming. I don't say this with any pretentiousness, but I've been reading long enough to trust that if something happens in a poem that is as single layered as this, and I didn't see it coming, then maybe it shouldn't have been there. Again, I'm trying to say this with doubt and discretion but the entire piece had a very dismal and morose feeling, yet the conclusion was upbeat. And after all that self-mutilation with your words, you actually admit that she was "pretty cute". It's like you're just not sure what to feel, and that's difficult for us to read and believe in.
I guess that, after all that negativity, this is actually a solid look into your upheaval right now as a young man. And if that was your aim - if that is your aim as a writer - then you have achieved it. I just wish I could believe in you more as a person from this. I'm not saying, 'oh, hey, you're a bad/lame person and I don't like you'. I'm just saying how much more believable something with dimension can be as a reflection of insecurity and confusion.

Sorry for taking so long. I hope my negativity and seemingly obtuse nature was worth the wait
#5
I definitely agree with everything you said and I do appreciate you getting to it - like I said, I love when you crit my pieces.

Only thing I should say about the crit is the blonde peach fuzz - I've always been ridiculed (especially by my ex) for not being able to grow facial hair and any facial hair I can grow is a grody mexi-stache that was only blonde and gross. Kinda personal and maybe not needed but it was obviously a pretty personal poem so maybe. Who knows.

I really appreciate it though If you edit in your most recent poem I'll check yours out too.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#6
The last piece I posted was back in May. Don't worry about it, mate. If you'd like to read it, though, it's 'Words' in my signature.

Yeah, making fun of a guy for not being able to grow a thick beard is like making fun of a girl for not having tits. It can be extremely hurtful.
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Yeah, making fun of a guy for not being able to grow a thick beard is like making fun of a girl for not having tits. It can be extremely hurtful.


If I cared about the beard then I'd have no hope whatsoever
#8
I've never had a problem with people making fun of me for my facial hair because I've always had a beard for as long as I can remember, even if it was just a little thing. But there are so many things that, girls in particular, do not realise are hurtful to males, thinking that is okay to ridicule them.

But we'd never tell a female that their tits are too small because of the severe taboo attached to it, unless we absolutely despised them or it was done out of rage. But girls think it is okay to mock males for things that they actually find deeply hurtful and simply cannot express without being ridiculed further.

The only thing is, because men are supposed to be stronger and confident than that, and more wilful, it's immediately assumed they can handle it and girls cannot. But that is, of course, sexism, and ironically what a lot of females try to fight against, irrationally ignoring their own disregard for the opposing sexes feelings and confidence.

I've had girls with massive facial acne make fun of me when I was younger for having acne, or for having a big noes, or for having clothes that no one else wore. But if I ever said anything to them in the way of a returned insult or comeback, I would be shunned, not only by them but by everyone else.

I'm a a believer in something simple: you don't hit girls like you don't hit anyone. But if I did hit someone it would be anyone.
#9
Yeah, the one time I stooped down to a girl's level, even with (what I thought was) simple banter was a lesson enough for me.

It's a crazy double standard though, that insecurities for guys are open targets but with girls it's a sacrilege to say anything.
#11
Yep. **** bitches.

You can definitely do a lot more with what you have here. Especially the "not soft enough" line. I feel like a lot can be built around it, and other lines as well. I'm mostly in agreement with what has been said already, though.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn