#1
VI- One glance only one touch, this spark i love so much and hold dear to my heart, we're to roles but one part. This dance that we both share, our love, our only care and this joy that we see, your'e the only one for me.

PCII- I will never leave your side, protect you and fight this fight, until the day i die.

C- Will you stand by me and will you never leave, take this hand i offer you take a stand and say i do. 2X

VII- The years have come and gone, and still our love stays strong and this promise we keep, to always stay deep.

PCII- in love with you right by your side, protect you from night to night, until the day i die.

C- Will you stand by me and will you never leave, take this hand i offer you take a stand and say i do. 2X


Would really enjoy some feedback guys....thanks!
#2
A little over indulgent I think. Towards the end, the sappiness was just a little too over the top. Definitely the best line was "...two roles, but one part." But the rest of the lines failed to live up to that bar.

The rhyme scheme was a little simple, "keep-deep" isn't necessarily bad, but when it's backed by sappy clichés, it gets a little tiresome.

You do have a great idea of the message you're trying to get out, and that's a great start. Really the only thing I'd fix is just more practice. I'll read your later pieces for sure.

And, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate a crit back please.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458285
Last edited by blake1221 at Jul 7, 2011,
#3
Ya lol i thought the exact same thing as well. I will be posting another today or later tonight so plz check that one out, i believe you will think its a lil better, but thanks for the crit man :P