#1
please let me know what you think, i promise to comment on any piece you'd like me to in return.

the terrorists are coming, hiding in your ovens, drumming
on your hearts and fumbling with their thumbs,
just waiting for the perfect moment.
the terrorists are coming, and they're not ever going back,
so pack your things and leave your homes,
fellate your nicotine but pay your tax,
for the terrorists are coming, they come through
windows, fridges, drains and plumbing,
with scary unpronouncable names, they'll climb into your brains and spray
graffiti on your mind, they'll kill your dog and fuck your wife,
they'll hide beneath the trolley and take your groceries in the supermarket aisle
they'll set alight the courthouse and they'll infiltrate your TV,
so hide beneath the bedsheets and bite your lips 'til blood drips from your teeth,
because the terrorists are coming, yes, the terrorists are coming,
they terrorists are coming and they're not ever going back.
Last edited by michal23 at Jul 7, 2011,
#2
Hmm interesting that you've chosen a quite controversial topic.

This contains alot of aggression and borders on the melodramatic, for I'm sure my groceries are safe in my trolley.

Personally I would have preferred a different take on the terrorist idea, as this seems just like the hatred terrorist's themselves say.

Therefore you dont really distinguish yourself from them, especially talking about unpronouncable names. Terrorists aren't necessarily foreign, so your stereotyping against a certain type of people when anyone could be a terrorist.

Remember terrorists are just people with extremists views, they believe in there cause and think there doing what is right (not that it is).

Therefore a song/poem about how what they believe in is widely seen as immoral, or question how they justify there actions (e.g " how can it be right, to act so wrong" or "how can God condone the suffering of the innocent") would be alot more meaningful
Last edited by FrontmanShields at Jul 7, 2011,
#3
Quote by FrontmanShields
Hmm interesting that you've chosen a quite controversial topic.

This contains alot of aggression and borders on the melodramatic, for I'm sure my groceries are safe in my trolley.

Personally I would have preferred a different take on the terrorist idea, as this seems just like the hatred terrorist's themselves say.

Therefore you dont really distinguish yourself from them, especially talking about unpronouncable names. Terrorists aren't necessarily foreign, so your stereotyping against a certain type of people when anyone could be a terrorist.

Remember terrorists are just people with extremists views, they believe in there cause and think there doing what is right (not that it is).

Therefore a song/poem about how what they believe in is widely seen as immoral, or question how they justify there actions (e.g " how can it be right, to act so wrong" or "how can God condone the suffering of the innocent") would be alot more meaningful


Thank you for your comment. The stereotyping and melodrama was intentional and I was trying to explore something other than terrorists themselves. Is there anything you would loke me to look at?
#4
I liked the melodrama, it's definitely satirical sounding, it's just over the top enough that it's obvious. But there seemed to be no point to it really, it was all about the terrorists, and there was nothing satirical about the terrorized. I loved "fellate your nicotine but pay your tax", and in parts like these, the rhythm seemed to flow really well, but in other places in was a little awkward. I liked the poem though, as it was darkly comical.
PS, nice George Carlin quote
Also, I agree with the user above me, I think you should maybe extend the poem and have another stanza dedicated to question what they're doing, and then maybe have a stanza about the terrorized.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Jul 9, 2011,