#1
Here's a freeform poem sort of thing. It's based on true events, and I wrote it in my head walking home from those true events. Thoughts would be appreciated

There's a festival in town : I can tell
by the sound of the apocalypse accompanied by a
backing band of horses' hooves clapping
like applause on the cobblestones.
It's still audible even out here - spilling out
on to the beach like toxic sludge.
A man from out of town talks to me without warning.
He was thrown out of school when he was thirteen years
old, he tells me boastfully. I say, 'thanks', and
hurry home with an LP tucked under my arm -
a priceless 25p charity shop castoff,
their last progressive record.
Last edited by OKSauce at Jul 7, 2011,
#2
The first 6 lines are outstanding. Then the jump to the 7th line was really awkward and never really picked back up.

I was almost thinking that you were trying to do a reverse sonnet, with the sestet at the beginning and then the volta between 6 and 7. But then there was no impact. (or 14 lines)

Either way, I'm not very familiar with free verse, so you could definitely be saying something (based on the title I'm guessing you are). I would make your point more implicit in the last 6 lines. I assume that the directness of those lines is intended so I won't make any suggestions towards the language.
Whether I am a hungry rabbit or a frightened carrot, my home is the same.
#3
I think perhaps it turned into something else halfway through writing it. Maybe I should turn it into two different pieces