#1
Country Song #18

There were many things
Friends and means
Bloated with humor and golden days
All in a crazy dream
We hoarded many things
We all sang and told each other hey

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is a memory in my brain

So don't feel bad for me
As I drown in perfumed sea
Opportunity then used to just drone
Yeah I was maimed for that
Got no high cards in my stack
Alone weeping and in the wind I moan

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is a memory in my brain

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is pain


(the lyrics are supposed to kind of contrast with a country music chord progression)

It would help if you be as honest and direct with your critique as you can because I want to improve.
#2
Can't really picture what progression you want, how fast the tempo is, etc...but IMO I picture this whole song all arpeggiated.
#3
Can't you critique my lyrics?

The music though is upbeat, mid tempo, in the key of C major, and with all major chords. It's really simple musically, it has a basic strummed rythem guitar and typical country lead guitar licks. The chord progression is like F chord, G chord, back to C chord... just simple things like that. The chorus has an E major chord in it to build tension.
Last edited by yoyoyoitcool at Jul 8, 2011,
#4
Hahaha sometimes man, people just don't really crit. It happens, you're the first to call someone out though.

I feel like this was unfinished. My mind keeps wanting to read on after that final line, like there should be another stanza/bridge thing to tie everything together. This piece really lacks a concrete ending to me. My only other qualm is the difference in quality in comparing the first verse to the other. The first verse had some nice imagery and tangibility that really sold the theme, but it was kind of lost amidst the second verse. None of the lines really had the oomph* that the first verse had. I would consider revising it, and really think about what you're trying to get across and how you might want to do that.

All in all really, I just think it's too short and needs a tying-in stanza. I did like it, though. Let me know if you fix it up at all, and thank you very much for the crit.


*oomph - the quality of being exciting, energetic, or sexually attractive : he showed entrepreneurial oomph.

I did not know it had any sexual connotations. This is news to me.
Last edited by blake1221 at Jul 8, 2011,
#5
Quote by yoyoyoitcool
Can't you critique my lyrics?

The music though is upbeat, mid tempo, in the key of C major, and with all major chords. It's really simple musically, it has a basic strummed rythem guitar and typical country lead guitar licks. The chord progression is like F chord, G chord, back to C chord... just simple things like that. The chorus has an E major chord in it to build tension.


Sorry about that, I can see how you would play it now. Try one full step down, kind of (to me) gives it a raw country feel.

As for the lyrics, they are pretty solid. I also agree with Blake on this one, or at add one more verse. As for, "the only thing left, is a memory in my brain," part, I would leave out, "in my brain." "The only thing left is a memory," would be to the point and explainitory. My critiquing isn't the best, but hope it helps.
#6
God - I love country music for breakup songs; and I've got tons of material right now.

I agree with SchecterDean - the first thing that came to mind was get rid of "brain". You have some great imagery here - I particularly love the line "got no high cards in my stack". Drowed in perfumed sea is great too - very descriptive.

Personally, I'm not above using an online rhyming dictionary when I get stuck

You can try doubling up the chorus: e.g.:

It's over and we won't be the same
The only thing left is a memory

It's over and besides the pain,
The only thing left is a memory

which may be more lyrically interesting.

Hope this is helpful~

Quote by yoyoyoitcool
Country Song #18

There were many things
Friends and means
Bloated with humor and golden days
All in a crazy dream
We hoarded many things
We all sang and told each other hey

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is a memory in my brain

So don't feel bad for me
As I drown in perfumed sea
Opportunity then used to just drone
Yeah I was maimed for that
Got no high cards in my stack
Alone weeping and in the wind I moan

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is a memory in my brain

It's over and were never the same
The only thing left is pain


(the lyrics are supposed to kind of contrast with a country music chord progression)

It would help if you be as honest and direct with your critique as you can because I want to improve.
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