#1
while dead dolphins don't float on bluer waters
them black bitches won't ever f*ck an odd toddler
I am an uh-oh, uh-oh o-oreo
black and white mixed like a hypnotist's video
sometimes i find, its f*cking hard to find
that little line that separates omega and, alpha
alpha is a nickname I got called growing up
do i really look like the sh*t horses eat up?

got a gang in the bag
we've all got murda $wag
if we don't feel 'em, we kill 'em
like Hitler did in Prague
and um
we clean it up
you're out of luck
my dick need's a caring bitch's soft and gentle suck

f*ck foxes, i follow blue comedic jews
kill bill o'reilly so that the fox'll f*cking spit the truth
when it arrives, dissenters will arise
i'll take their f**king swag
and cut up em up with rusty kitchen knives
we'll have a feast
a buncha muncha crunchy peeps
they're baked so right they're red
and aged to hold all of the wealth, you see

this was metaphor the far right party
and if you don't get it, you're just dumb as f*ck (you heard me)
its alpha the omega
murda $wag'll f*ckin get ya...

i'm out
Last edited by Betaciao at Jul 8, 2011,
#2
Yeah man, I like Odd Future too.
Quote by Dirtydeeds468
Holy Crap.

I love you more than life itself.
#4
Maybe it was subconsciously done, but there were so many allusions to OF and a couple Tyler, the Creator songs, it was hard to read.

Aside from that, it was done extremely well, and I thought the flow was great. I'd like to see one to three more stanzas. It seems kinda short, unless something is gonna be considered the chorus (or whatever they call it in rap songs).

A part I didn't like very much was the very end. The last stanza is pretty creative in itself, but the murder $wag will "get ya?" That "get ya" could be done a lot better, and it would seem less...childish/immature.

Overall, cool and creative. The idea's been done before, plenty of times, and a lot of the stuff in there I've seen a lot of times too (dolphins, fuck Bill O'Reilly, etc.), but still a turned out pretty nice.

If you could read my latest poem, that'd be nice. I don't need a crit or anything, whatever you wanna do

The mirror doesn't lie
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jul 8, 2011,
#5
Too many threads. Give the rules a quick going over on how many pieces you're allowed to post. Posting more than that can mean people become greedy and clog up the main page.