#1
A life without you is a life without pain
I've got a spring in my step and a smile on my face
I'm done with the pictures of memories we shared
But something tells me that I just might still care

But it's hard to move on
When this ghost is so strong
I've been alive all this time
And I'm ready to fight

Moments passing by
Holding to this life
Something attacking me
I won't concede

Something bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against it to breathe

The memory of you still inhabits my brain
And the good times we had have now all but faded
It's a lesson you learn when you don't go to school
While you sleep to pass the time locked in your room

Now I've tried to apologize, tried to make sense of this
Shattered humanity in which we exist
But it's those moments of hope that restore all our faith
In a friendship we had that cannot be replaced

I swear that I'm done
That my ghost is a liar
But I've got to move on
If you're not by my side

Something bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against it to breathe

Feeling fantastic
Don't need you around
Still my ghost is attacking me
I won't concede

Something bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against it to breathe
Still you try to push me
Away from you
I know you're bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against you to breathe
#3
Nicely done, bro

The title is a bit cliche and what I assume is the chorus, but whatever, it works.
Guitars:
-Gibson Les Paul Custom Shop Silverburst (Invader/'59)
-Ovation ApplauseAE44II Elite Black Acoustic


Amps/Cabs
-Peavey 6505+ Head
Orange PPC2x12 Cab Black
-Behringer Ultracoustic ACX450 1x8 Acoustic Combo


Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#4
Quote by briman007
A life without you is a life without pain
I've got a spring in my step and a smile on my face
I'm done with the pictures of memories we shared
But something tells me that I just might still care


Good start, nothing really standing out, though.

But it's hard to move on
When this ghost is so strong
I've been alive all this time
And I'm ready to fight


Introductory of the "ghost" metaphor, but it doesn't seem to hold any relevance. I guess I wish at this point you incorporated something to give more imagery to the "ghost." Something to give it a little more depth, because even though you go into it later, it feels like a filler word here.

Moments passing by
Holding to this life
Something attacking me
I won't concede


I don't enjoy reading this part just because it feels a little too much like random thoughts. There's no flow to it, and the piece as a whole isn't abstract enough to warrant a random thought kind of structure.
Something bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against it to breathe


This stanza was your most cliché, to be honest. I think the next one down would be much more fitting for a chorus than this one.
The memory of you still inhabits my brain
And the good times we had have now all but faded
It's a lesson you learn when you don't go to school
While you sleep to pass the time locked in your room


The first stanza of stand-out writing. You ground the reader with something tangible, and sell it with the last line.

Now I've tried to apologize, tried to make sense of this
Shattered humanity in which we exist
But it's those moments of hope that restore all our faith
In a friendship we had that cannot be replaced


So as far as the message goes, this is where you actually show true feelings for the girl. You had said so earlier, but in poetry, it's always much better to show the reader, and here you do just that.
I swear that I'm done
That my ghost is a liar
But I've got to move on
If you're not by my side

Another ghost metaphor. Earlier you had led the reader to believe it was the girl's ghost, or the ghost of the relationship, but here it's a little confusing. It's still not given the set up I feel it deserves, because it feels like another empty toss-in.

Feeling fantastic
Don't need you around
Still my ghost is attacking me
I won't concede

So your ghost is your....feelings for wanting her back? I'm trying to gather what you meant by it. It makes most sense like that, like you're trying to stifle your feelings so you can let go and keep moving on.
Something bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against it to breathe
Still you try to push me
Away from you
I know you're bringing me down
Killing me piece by piece
But I'm fighting
Fighting against you to breathe


But here the confusion is, SHE's attacking you, yet your GHOST was originally attacking. So if she IS your ghost, you haphazardly handled that delivery. As I said earlier though, this was your most cliché ridden stanza, and arguably one of the weakest.

I feel like this poem never really got off the ground. The delivery in Shatner-esque line breaks prevented the reader from really getting into the flow of things. There also didn't seem to be much honest thought given into a lot of the lines. The lines that did have heart were much better than those without, but there were much more without, and it kind of killed it for me. The delivery in some stanzas felt a lot more honest and personal, and others felt rushed, and I think the inconsistency really affected the overall piece. It wasn't bad in my opinion, I just think it needs some tweaking to live up to the potential that some parts held.
#6
ugh, i had a nice long reply to this but the internet crashed, so...

Quote by blake1221
So your ghost is your....feelings for wanting her back? I'm trying to gather what you meant by it. It makes most sense like that, like you're trying to stifle your feelings so you can let go and keep moving on.


But here the confusion is, SHE's attacking you, yet your GHOST was originally attacking. So if she IS your ghost, you haphazardly handled that delivery. As I said earlier though, this was your most cliché ridden stanza, and arguably one of the weakest.

I feel like this poem never really got off the ground. The delivery in Shatner-esque line breaks prevented the reader from really getting into the flow of things. There also didn't seem to be much honest thought given into a lot of the lines. The lines that did have heart were much better than those without, but there were much more without, and it kind of killed it for me. The delivery in some stanzas felt a lot more honest and personal, and others felt rushed, and I think the inconsistency really affected the overall piece. It wasn't bad in my opinion, I just think it needs some tweaking to live up to the potential that some parts held.


so close, but yet you couldn't connect the final few dots.

you're right, the ghost is a part of me, feelings for wanting her back. and at the very end of the outro chorus, she is attacking me as well, but in a different way. so both are attacking me. in a less literal sense, the song is really just about a feeling of empowerment to overcome whatever obstacles you face in whatever situation.

but i should clarify, it is that--a song, not a poem. so the stanzas you felt were "random words" are, in a sense, that, but those lines are sung by a different singer with some effects. it's like they're the raw, unadultered thoughts, and everything else is what is verbally said, so to speak. i hope that clears it up. if it doesn't, just ask, and hopefully ill be able to clarify...if not, then i'll fix it haha

thanks everyone for the feedback, hopefully ill get it recorded and put it up