#1
This song is going on my bands new cd. Its about not being able to move on from the past.

C4C


Duck Hunting-

INTRO

You’re sitting like ducks in a raft
With a sign pointing to where you’re at
I’m wearing an Orange Vest

VERSE 1

I can’t stop kicking dead bodies
I can’t stop playing with dead dogs
I can’t stop running through forests
And tripping over hollow logs
I can’t stop running from nothing
I can’t stop looking over my shoulder
I can’t stop analyzing the patterns
Let me know when you’ve stopped talking

CHORUS

Breathe you in and breathe me out
Flowing through and screening out
Put you in and grind you up
My mortar and pestle for your lonely guts
Try to forget, but its hard with your hands around my head
Try to forget, but its hard when your lying in my bed
Try to forget, maybe when I’m dead

VERSE 2

I can’t stop jumping from bridges
I can’t stop jumping at what goes bump in the night
Its not a fear of darkness
But more of a fear of fright
I can’t stop fumbling my words
I can’t stop failing my missions
You know that I would let you down
If I could ever make you believe in me

CHORUS

Breathe you in and breathe me out
Flowing through and screening out
Put you in and grind you up
My mortar and pestle for your lonely guts
Try to forget, but its hard with your hands around my head
Try to forget, but its hard when your lying in my bed
Try to forget, maybe when I’m dead

BRIDGE

I’m sitting down out on a raft
With no sign pointing to where I’m at
I’m wearing no Life Vest

CHORUS

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let me know what ya think
#2
Loved to hear a recorded version of this. I wanna see how it flows w/ music involved. Hmm,I enjoyed the bridge,it provides a keen imagery to the reader & the ryhthym worked really nice here
#3
Sounds pretty cool. Good rhythm. Sounded like pop punk or something, very energetic. The only criticism I'd give this is in the chorus. In the "try to forget" parts, the rhythm gets a little tripped up. Also, rhyming "out" with "out" sounds a bit weird.
and if you want to check out my latest, it's "All I Know" in my sig.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#4
First off let me say that the flow is top notch. I would love to hear this as a song. Onto the crit. I think the last line of the intro is too subtle. At least from my point of view, that line is supposed to establish the narrator as a hunter. I would change that line to "And i got my rifle on hand" or something similar. I think it would help start the piece off on a stronger note. The two verse are great, the only problem I have is with the second line of verse 2. I like the line, I just seems too long. Lastly, I think the bridge needs more urgency. Maybe add another line. "And the boat is quickly sinking" or something to that effect. Anyways, nice job and I hope this crit helped.

Crit mine please
Fixer Upper