#1
tents and halls
ridden with plastic
fiddling with matches
wiping the mirror
and making it clear
bells and whistles
birds and crickets
dark hate alleys
with some funny business

stories of yesterday
spiced with imagination
aged in contempt
smelling so foul
bad image sad image
yearning for truth
stumbling in lies
make your disguise
with only your eyes

what's funny is what's sad
it's making me glad
I know you differently
from the rest of us
don't be tested
or neglected
declare your declaration
of independence
from chains and cuffs
and fisticuffs

think of me
your knees will buckle
your heart will chuckle
your eyes will cry; happy tears
#3
I enjoyed how you use words that mean the opposite in following up lines. I especially liked the line: yearning for truth/ stumbling in lies. It gets the point across effectively.
Personally I don't like the first stanza, I can't find a purpose for many of the ideas and they seem almost unrelated, correct me if I'm wrong. However, I do like the last two lines of the first stanza. The way the lines switch from gloom to light hearted is quite interesting.
All in all, it's a good piece and I believe it has more potential so keep at it.
#4
Thanks guys. I'd have to agree, there are parts (such as 1st stanza) that don't make sense/hard to understand, unless you're me. I don't mind that style really, because it allows the reader/listener to fill in the blanks. Not everyone enjoys that though. It actually had to do with my night. I was at a beer tent, and wrote this later when I got home.
#5
I liked the blunt, short sentences. Like others said, I also liked lines like "what's funny is what's sad", paradoxes aplenty. The only thing that I'd change is the following line, "It's making me glad". You could definitely use some different words there, the rhyming sounds forced and "glad" isn't a great word to use anyways. The rest of the stanza doesn't rhyme anyways, so you could just take that line out completely and nothing would be changed.
If you get the chance, could you check out "All I Know" in my sig? thanks mang haha
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Jul 12, 2011,