#1
Vanity washes through towns and through people
It crashes like a wave into our pre-conceived notions of "Beauty"
What is beauty but a pedestalled word;
given weight by its own overuse to describe those who secretly hide behind
Masks which they paint on each morning...

I wonder what's heavier - The anchor in the shallows or being adrift at sea.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Jul 10, 2011,
#4
The last line is the best part of the entire piece. I think you had a lot of ordinary word choices, though I do like pedestalled. I got the message, but I fear I got it too easily. Ya dig?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#5
I definitely see what you mean there, there could be some more emotive word choices in there, it's only had minor structure/rhythm changes made since I wrote it, however. Thanks for the crit :P and I most certainly do 'dig' hahah

Also thanks for the positive feedback guys, It makes writing easier for me
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#6
Quote by Mr.Pink101
Vanity washes through towns and through people
and crashes like a wave through our pre-conceived notions of
Beauty, what is beauty but a pedestalled word
given weight by it's own overuse to describe those who secretly hide behind
Masks which they paint on each morning

I wonder what's heavier - The anchor in the shallows or being adrift at sea.


The thing with short poems like this one is that every word used becomes much more important, so I'll nitpick a little. Generally speaking, I liked it. I think it took a while to pick up the pace and that the ending was very good, so I think you ought to focus on changing a few thing here and there in the first half of the poem.

I didn't really understand why you've put "Beauty" on a new line. Well, I mean, I think I get why you did it, but I'm not sure it works. I'd consider keeping it on the second line and put a full stop after it or, if you want to keep it on the third line, then at least put a semi-colon after it. I liked "pedestalled" but I don't think it's a 'proper' word. It doesn't bother me personally, but I don't know if it bothers you so I figured I'd put it out there.

Another small thing you may wish to consider is the tone of the piece. Words like "washes" and "crashes" in the first few lines of the poem give it a very 'poetic', descriptive sound, like that of romantic literature. The last three lines particularly, however, have a tone that sounds much more like the way a person talks. If the contrast in tone is deliberate, fair play, but it threw me a little.

If you could leave a word or two on my song I'd appreciate it.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458549