#1
Some spoken word, train of thought type stuff. C4C, etc.

They say you must write about what you know, but all I know is a dark basement, dusty lungs and rusty tongues spilling out of our greedy mouths like it’s all they know, finally clashing and entangling themselves in each other, writhing like tendrils around a shipwreck, saliva washing on board, a precursor to the fervor and the moans, tossing us overboard with hushed tones, clinging for dear life and suspending wretched death, wide eyes and white thighs alike. This is boiling up from the same place. This is coming from my heart, the same old heart dragging behind me like I keep seeing the same old car beside me. This is my soul, it’s not utterly gone yet, but I let it go, let it go, let it go. This is all I know.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Jul 9, 2011,
#2
Quote by benx3000
Some spoken word, train of thought type stuff. C4C, etc.

They say you must write about what you know, but all I know is a dark basement, dusty lungs and rusty tongues spilling out of our greedy mouths like it’s all they know, finally clashing and entangling themselves in each other, writhing like tendrils around a shipwreck, saliva washing overboard, a precursor to the fervor and the moans, tossing us overboard with hushed tones, clinging for dear life and suspending wretched death, wide eyes and white thighs alike. This is boiling up from the same place. This is coming from my heart, the same old heart dragging behind me like I keep seeing the same old car beside me. This is my soul, it’s not utterly gone yet, but I let it go, let it go, let it go. This is all I know.


First thing I notice, while I get that it's train of thought, there is still a painful lack of full stops/periods. Read it again and you'll see the first sentence is reaaaaaaaaaaally long. So I'd definitely suggest throwing in some semi-colons and full stops just to give the reader a break and to separate/organise your ideas a little (although again, I appreciate it's train of thought).

I loved "dusty lungs" and "rusty tongues", very nice. Same thing with "wide eyes" and "white thighs" although that sounded a little more forced (not bad, though ). One thing you may have overlooked is that you've used "overboard" twice not too far away from each other, so perhaps change one of them.

I felt let down a little when you were talking about your heart and your soul towards the end. The majority of the poem/song/writing leading up to it was very colourful and metaphorical, whereas the whole "this is my heart" business was like a sudden jolt back to reality, and not in a good way. I'd only really replace those lines at the end with something else, something a little more interesting, 'cause the change in tone in itself was fine.

I'd appreciate a few words on this if you could:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458549

#3
Quote by michal23
First thing I notice, while I get that it's train of thought, there is still a painful lack of full stops/periods. Read it again and you'll see the first sentence is reaaaaaaaaaaally long. So I'd definitely suggest throwing in some semi-colons and full stops just to give the reader a break and to separate/organise your ideas a little (although again, I appreciate it's train of thought).

I loved "dusty lungs" and "rusty tongues", very nice. Same thing with "wide eyes" and "white thighs" although that sounded a little more forced (not bad, though ). One thing you may have overlooked is that you've used "overboard" twice not too far away from each other, so perhaps change one of them.

I felt let down a little when you were talking about your heart and your soul towards the end. The majority of the poem/song/writing leading up to it was very colourful and metaphorical, whereas the whole "this is my heart" business was like a sudden jolt back to reality, and not in a good way. I'd only really replace those lines at the end with something else, something a little more interesting, 'cause the change in tone in itself was fine.

I'd appreciate a few words on this if you could:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458549


Thanks man, I didn't realize that I used overboard twice like that, meant to say "on board" I think. IDK, it was late at night, so it's always good to get people to catch those
And yeah, I kind of just wanted it to end that way, and I ran out of ideas, so I just kind of ended it abruptly... thanks a lot for the helpful crit, will try to return the favor
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#4
I feel like this piece could be more effective if it weren't a stream of consciousness. I like it as it is as well, but some of the great moments are shrouded by the block of text. Overall i like the piece but i think it does need a little work.
#5
I actually think the ginormous run-on sentence serves you well. It's fumbling and rapid and gives it an honest "stream of consciousness" feel. Another good touch was the bulk of the mid section seemed to introduce a simile, then back it up with consistent single word described nouns. It actually serves to establish some kind of rhythm, which is important in a seemingly large onslaught of unbroken words. I think a break would serve well at "This is boiling" because you change from the feel and format of your previous sentences. It would do well to isolate it and give a nice feeling of closure to the piece.

I like Ben, I like.
#7
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. This not really much I would change content wise, I justy think you should break it down. After the first long sentence start a new paragraph. Also I think each "let it go" should have it's own line. And lastly I think "That is all I know" would fit better. I don't know, I'm nitpicking there. But anyways, nice job, man.