#1
For the broken hearts not unlike you and all the dreams that did not come true
For those who gave up in the face of change when all bets were off and hope was out of range

Life is like this and will shut you down if you fight back then you’ll know you’ve found
There’s a reason why you should believe that you can do what most cannot conceive

It was too easy when we all were young to ignore what’s wrong and embrace what’s fun
But while growing up and learning to mature you will lose friends this I know for sure

Life is like this and will shut you down if you fight back then you’ll know you’ve found
There’s a reason why you should believe that you can do what most cannot conceive
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If you are white, you are scum.
#2
I like the way you wrote this and the ideas behind it; it's a nice piece in spite of the fact that the theme has been done over 9000 times. But the rhymes are really distracting for me, they feel contrived for the sake of rhyming rather than fitting exactly what you want to say.
"Range" "conceive" and "fun" are the standouts--if you could find a word, even a near-rhyme to replace these, then I think the piece would benefit from it.

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#3
Quote by RaysGotThis
I like the way you wrote this and the ideas behind it; it's a nice piece in spite of the fact that the theme has been done over 9000 times. But the rhymes are really distracting for me, they feel contrived for the sake of rhyming rather than fitting exactly what you want to say.
"Range" "conceive" and "fun" are the standouts--if you could find a word, even a near-rhyme to replace these, then I think the piece would benefit from it.


Thanks bro

Yeah, this still needs refining. Its really the first set of lyrics I've managed to come up with in the past four days of near-constant writing that hasn't felt forced or too over the top for this specific theme. The reason for the excessive rhyming is the structure of the song when sung and played, its hard to keep the song cohesive without the rhymes. I'll work on what you said.
Quote by SG_dave at #33549256
I've never wanted to see a guy eat dick so much in my life.
Quote by ali.guitarkid7 at #33553650
If you are white, you are scum.
#4
Sorry for double post, but here's the new version of the song.

For the broken hearts not unlike you
And all the dreams that did not come true
For those who gave up in the face of change
When all bets were off and hope was out of range

Life is like this and will shut you down
If you fight back then you’ll know you’ve found
There’s a reason why you should believe
In who you are and what you can be

It was too easy when we all were young
To pretend we’re not and can’t be wrong
But while growing up and learning to mature
You will lose friends this I know is sure

Life is like this and will shut you down
If you fight back then you’ll know you’ve found
There’s a reason why you should believe
In who you are and what you can be
Quote by SG_dave at #33549256
I've never wanted to see a guy eat dick so much in my life.
Quote by ali.guitarkid7 at #33553650
If you are white, you are scum.
#5
"For those who gave up in the face of change / when all bets were off and hope was out of range" still sounds contrived, and what's an otherwise strong rhythm really breaks down on that "out of range" phrase. Here are some alternatives that come to mind off the top of my head:

"When all bets were off and hope was gone" - who says you need to rhyme?
"When all bets were off and your hopes were caged" - half-rhyme!
"When all bets were off and hope was stained" - meh.

But you see what I'm getting at?
#6
For the broken hearts not unlike you
And all the dreams that did not come true
For those who gave up in the face of change
When all hope was lost and there was no way

It was too easy when we all were young
To pretend we’re not and can’t be wrong
But while growing up and learning to mature
You will lose friends this I know is sure

Life is like this and will shut you down
If you fight back then you will know you’ve found
There’s a reason why you should believe
In who you are and what you can be


New version once more. Took your advice and switched up that line, and also took out that one chorus, if you can call it that. For the simplicity of the song it just seemed to drawn out with the extra stanza.
Quote by SG_dave at #33549256
I've never wanted to see a guy eat dick so much in my life.
Quote by ali.guitarkid7 at #33553650
If you are white, you are scum.