#1
crit4crit
FIXER UPPER

The crackle of glass beneath my feet
The sting of laughter from this bad actor
Float away to a heavenly ceiling,
Where a man once sat high and proud
But now Adam has no hands to touch God
'Cause all the paint is cracked and peeling.

Just remember,
When you're looking down at everyone
That you stand upon a shaky scaffold.
And when it breaks,
You'll fall straight into Satan's razor teeth
'Cause not even the dirt will want to catch you.

After you die comes time for rebirth
So cover the slits on my wrist
With a watch stuck at eleven,
Past eleven on the twelth rung
Of Jacob's ladder I use a make-up brush
To restore the glory unto Heaven.

Just remember,
When you're looking down at everyone
That you stand upon a shaky scaffold.
And when it breaks,
You'll fall straight into the Devil's mouth
'Cause not even the dirt will want to catch you.

What in God's name
Is so holy about your crusade,
When every shot at the enemy
Leaves gaping holes in your church?
Take the clay from your claymores
And patch up the walls,
Before the world sees all the secrets
That you keep inside your vaults.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 11, 2011,
#2
I think the strongest part of the piece is the last stanza, in particular the last two lines. Very strong ending. I dislike that you ended two lines with "it" in the repeated part, but i like the context of the lines. The flow of the lines in the second verse made it hard to comprehend, but context wise it makes sense to me. Overall i like it, is it going to be a song? I'd love to hear it at some point.
#3
Very well written attack on either the Church, or something that the Church represents that I'm missing. Either way, it was good.

I loved how the third stanza's lines kept tripping into the following one, which really put a different flow into things, and kept it interesting. I found it odd for you to repeat the second stanza, though. Ostensibly, it was your weakest. The image based first, third, and fifth held a lot more weight and did a lot more to get your point across. The repeated just didn't seem to connect as well.

Great piece man. Always enjoy your work.

And if you don't mind, this is my newest piece.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458285
#4
Hiyo. Nice title.

Stanza Uno:
If this is a reference to the Sistine Chapel, then the line about a man standing proud holds as much weight as a virgin at a conference on human sexuality. Man never stood high there, only hoisted himself up. Note how Adam listlessly reaches his hand out like a Sunday morning drunk. I'll let you get away with the last line's rhyme because the idea behind it is strong. Also, what's with the actor? Or was that there just for the internal rhyme (which made me think of Glassjaw's "Lovebites and Razorlines")?

Stanza Dos (chorus):
Weak. Given the intelligence hinted at previously, this is lazy. The truth can be the pain you're looking for. Gotcha. If you choose to stick with the economy of 4 lines, you can still do better. Focus on knowledge/wisdom being a reluctant gift.

Stanza Tres:
What? Whose death causes rebirth? And what's with the make-up brush? Yeah, I understand the concept of make-up covering imperfections, but is this a call-back to the first stanza talking about the cracked paint and broken glass of the church? Are you saying that the church has fallen, and attempts to reconcile are ephemeral and cosmetic at best?

Stanza Quatro:
These aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.

Stanza Cinco:
Ah, the revelation of your grand statement. If this is what you're really getting at, you'd do better to make this the focus of the entire piece. Tom Waits and Erich Maria Remarque have held the same sentiment in different capacities. If you're feeling sinister, include all these parts, revise, and expand. Plenty have taken a step aside for reflection and realized the futility of fighting for all faiths (and lacks thereof - don't forget the Communist slaughters of men).


Technical suggestions: Add "and" at the end of the first line to justify the reading of the third. "After you die comes time for rebirth" sounds unnatural; "your death," "death," or "there comes" would be more logical. In general, be more mindful of your use of punctuation.

But if tonight, I err, blame me, and I'll blame my black friend Johnnie Walker. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.
I am a fake mountain.
#6
Hm. Though "risk it all" is a bit of a trope, I'll oblige that this is an improvement. "Scaffold" keeps with the theme. The latter half is an OK skeleton, but you can be more creative, illuminating and effective. In short, you're working in the right direction, but the sift is still yielding too much sediment.

Also, sweet red peppers are excellent sources of riboflavin.
I am a fake mountain.
#7
I liked the addition, it fit a lot better. The revision to your addition one upped it though, for sures. Personifying the dirt gives it a great bite, and works really well to show the fall.

That really sold the piece man.