#1
The Escape

You gotta bring me
Bring me home from this
I can’t escape from it
This is a living hell
I don’t know where to go
There is no way out and
I am losing all control

I need to come back home (I can’t make it back) <--backing scream
Will you come save me?
Save me from myself
I am destroying all that you loved
I need help before everything is gone

Come back to me
You are all that I need
And I know you need me
Baby, please come back to me

I can’t believe it
how did I become this thing?
This is not who I am
I am not the one you love
I am some kind of monster
The kind that is eating me away (eating me away) <--backing scream

Come back to me
You are all that I need
And I know that you need me
Baby, please come back to me

Come back to me (back to me) <--backing clean
You are all that I need (all I need) <--backing clean
And I know that you need me (I hope it’s true) <--backing clean
Baby, please come back to me
Oh, please Oh, please come back to me

(thinking about a very legato solo here)

I have found my way out of here
The only way out is with you
You helped me escape
You helped me regain control
You are the only one
That can turn hell into a paradise


i wrote this song last night..the title kinda sucks...well the whole song probably sucks..but I just wanna hear some feedback by some UG users..so tell me what you think

oh and btw i am definitely NOT a song writer..hah
#2
This would be really chilling if you made it about a drug addiction. You'd barely even have to change any of the words.
#3
man..it would be really chilling..i didnt even think about it being about that..thanks! =D
#5
Not a songwriter, eh? The Onion has an article about a septua- or octogenarian who died not knowing she was a violin prodigy. Maybe you could be an amazing writer. It just takes work.

1:
This is a common sentiment. That in and of itself isn't a problem. What you need to do, especially at the start, is to give people a reason to care and continue reading. On a technical note, you say you need to go home, then say you don't know where to go. Here's the big question: Why? Articulate your feelings. Are you in hell because of a bad relationship? Did you break into someone's house and steal something, and the guilt's killing you? Are you, as kindadumb suggested, addicted to crack? The fact that you didn't seem to have a particular problem in mind in response to his post should bother you. How can you write about a conflict if you don't know what's wrong?

2:
What I just said, but again. You hint at something specific when you mention destroying everything someone else loves while asking for his or her help and admitting you're powerless to your own destructive tendencies. Cool. Now make it concrete. The band Cursive wrote an album about divorce. Two great parts in different songs? "I threw out the phone to try to get through to you." "And there's still a hole / Where the phone was thrown / It's growing as we speak / And it's sucking us both in." Again, make images that stick.

3:
The rage subsides. "Baby" almost sounds inappropriate. With the right music (easing off on the volume, no distortion), something like this could work. If you can make the rest of the parts more distinct, this simplicity could be very effective, the bit of honey dripping from a beehive.

4:
Like it or not, having a song like this, a screen name like that, and the line "some kind of monster" screams, "I stole this from Metallica." What kind of monster? With the anger and loss of control, there's a lot to work with. Be careful not to be too obvious. As for becoming a monster that eats away at you, that's implied. Monsters usually don't bake you cupcakes and give you handjobs in the park.

5:
Same as before.

6:
Same as before. (whispered)

7:
How did you get out? How did the other person help? Was it really an escape, or was it a transformation from perdition to benediction? Choose one.

That's that. You don't have to know exactly what you're writing about when you start, but you should pretty much have it figured out by the time you finish or start revising. Unless of course you're having a fit of psychography...

Some people believe that it takes 10,000 hours to master something. Writing is something. Don't want to be a master? That's fine. If you want to get better, it still takes time and practice. Keep on keepin' on, that's all. Skeet skeet.
I am a fake mountain.
#6
While i was reading this I had some metal riffs playing in my head. The lyrics are pretty good and not very cliche'd. Overall I liked it.
#7
Quote by DanTheHobbit

6:
Same as before. (whispered)


HAHA ^

Hmm. Considering you don't consider yourself a songwriter, its not that bad. Dan speaks the truth when he said it just takes time. Just keep on writing. Someone mentionend that it wasn't cliche...

Come back to me
You are all that I need
And I know you need me
Baby, please come back to me

He was lying to you. This is a cliche song, full of sentiments and lines that have been expressed in almost exactly the same way you have done. But don't worry about that, because you get a feel for these kind of things and start deviating from the beaten track (so to speak). Keep writing and maybe you'll start to actualise some originality in your work.

good luck man.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.