#1
rocked like a ship on a stormy sea
thunderclaps
downpour
you move me on with electricity
and i can't help but be shattered
by the ecstatic obsessive
erratic manic depressive
deep-throated brown eyed
hypnotic darkness storm
it all spits
it all spits
it all spits
it all rolls onto shores unexplored
on jagged rock edges and unfinished sketches
on sweat and skin and blood undiscovered
but with time it will come
and in space we expand
onward i'll fly right into your hands
(wrinkled and weathered)
ready to be molded.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Pretty dank, but the word "shattered" doesn't really sit well with me. It just lacks a ring I guess. Maybe that whole line could be changed, it kinda breaks up the rhythm. Other than that, I liked the rhyme scheme and rhythm. Starting at "it all spits" it started getting really good, and ending pretty strongly.
If you can check out All I Know in my sig when you can, it'd be nice. mama
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#3
I really like the shift from an image based, descriptive beginning to the blunt "it all spits" repetition. It does well to separate the end from everything else, and the closing two lines are perfect. The parts that didn't really sit well with me are the "in space we...into your hands." Compared to the rest, I feel like there could be something there with a little more power to sell it. Idk, I might just be stupid.

The ending was definitely the best part, I really enjoyed the whole piece.

Very nice, Saadia.