#1
Hi, my name's Sara and i'm a bit new to song writing.

This song is about a dream i had several years ago about watching the stars with a guy. It was so perfect and when I woke up I felt so content. Since then I've never experienced such a feeling. I've never fallen in love, but when I do I hope it will be something like that dream.

The songs i write tend to be melody driven with lyrics that I consider to be a bit cliche. I hope to grow as a songwriter and write lyrics that are more interesting and deeper. I'd really appreciate any advice on how to improve this song:

moonlit night of summers eve
stars shine bright for you and me
happiness beyond compare
as you sift softly through my hair

i don't know what happens next
my hearts beating out my chest
you're the answer to my wish
who knew love could feel like this

and i wake up to nothing at all
you are the better part of me
my surreality

why does this have to end
we can run, forever send
our worries to the edge of time
together with your hand in mine

don't let me go and face the day
i can't yet throw this all away
for my love would fade to dust
or antiquate in shrouds of rust

and i wake up to nothing at all
you are the better part of me
my surreality
Last edited by goodintheory at Jul 13, 2011,
#2
*hyphen overload*
First thing I would do is ditch the 'Oh's' as lyrics, the purpose of those I assume is to harmonise vocals with music - not to convey the message. Same goes with the Wa-ay-ay bits, as far as lyrical content, they serve no purpose here.
This being said I'll give it a looksie

In terms of rhymes, they're solid, and despite being a little cliche` work - you can't write a love song without being cliche anyway.
Focus on the tense though; sections like "for you and me - happiness beyond compare" throws off the theme a little, perhaps you could make the first stanza "I" "I feel happiness".

I did quite like the 2nd last stanza
"why does this have to end
we can run, forever send
our worries to the edge of time
together with your hand in mine"
You definitely broke away from the common cliche in this one, it's a solid stanza.

I'm probably not the person to ask for tips on editing and improvement, but there's lots of talented writers on here, hopefully one of them will stop by :P
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
Don't worry too much about being cliche right now, at least you're conscious of it and plan to grow, which is as much a goal for any writer as it is for those starting out. Given the explanation you included, these are honest lyrics, which is the main thing that a writer should strive for.

Lyrically, this is pretty simple and matter-of-fact, which is fine, in fact I prefer that a lot of times, and it's much better than trying to seem deep with your lyrics. The descriptions are good, although I'd suggest trying to include more details as a way to evoke the feels you had from your dream. Sure, everybody who gives writing advice says "more details!!!" but I think it would help the impact of your song, rather than have details for the sake of details.

I agree with Mr. Pink about the "oohs" and hyphens in general. Although you don't have to remove them entirely, but maybe just cut them down a bit. Things like that don't typically translate well with straight lyrics, although you can include them. If you record a version of this, do it up, though. "Oohs" can be great for feeling.

The most relevant thing I can say is probably to not worry about rhyming. It's hard to avoid that pattern when you write, especially when you hear it everywhere, and even the best of us use rhyming for rhythm and structure, so my suggestion is to not worry so much about how it sounds, but write what feels right, and when you feel rhymes are appropriate, use them. Also try to use near-rhymes. "Eve" and "me" was pretty good, as was "next" and "chest", and it's not as predictable as something like "day" and "away."

This wasn't a bad piece, and it's good to see honest lyrics and attempts to convey significant feelings. Keep it up!
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#4
thanks for the responses guys. i really appreciate what you've said and i'll keep it in mind. sorry about the all the ooh's and ay's haha. those are strictly for personal reference for me to remember the melody as i often forget the melody of song's i've written.