#1
This song is a bit cliche right now, so any feedback as to what I should change would be helpful.

C4C, as always.


I'm happy now but just as sad
As when I used to talk to things I never had
It's not as bad as missing things I used to have

I'm still alive and can't complain
I get to live my life today if I want to
But I don't want to

I just want to sleep
Sleep and stay the same
Sleep and never change

I found the things I wanted most
So why do I still feel so grey? I'll never know
It's not as bad as forgetting things I used to know

I have the time to make my plans
But I don't have the patience nor the steady hands
And I don't want to

I just want to sleep
Sleep and stay the same
Sleep and never change

And maybe happiness is to blame
For why I just can't sleep tonight

But I'll stay the same
I'll sleep and never change
I'll sleep and live my life another day
#2
If a rhyme scheme isn't working, fire it.

*screech as the needle is dragged across the record* Did you just say "I used to talk to things I never had?" What do you mean by that?

Your syllable counts are all over the place in the verses. The chorus and bridge are fine as you can stretch things out over the bars, but logorrhea consumes the verses. I put on a metronome, and some of the lines try to stuff an adult polar bear into a size 10 mini-skirt: it might be possible, but things get torn up.

Correct me if I'm mistaking your aims. The general idea is that lasting happiness is impossible, and you're losing sleep over it. It kind of sounds Catholic. "I feel good? Something's wrong here." There's a Simpsons episode in which a Christian TV program is aired. One character says, "I wish I had a sin to confess," which is rebutted with, "You do. You now have the sin of envy!"

I guess there's a resignation or whatever. "I'm happy now, so I'm just going to sleep. If I lay my head upon my pillow evermore, nothing will change. That will keep me happy. But thinking about it makes me unhappy..."

The idea behind the piece is fine, but the delivery is imperfect. Don't over-stretch your lines, and don't force your rhymes. Vocabulary is necessary. KORITFW.

Remember: The invention of pants was God's way of telling you that nobody wants to see your privates, whether you're an African or Asian stereotype.
I am a fake mountain.
#3
"I used to talk to things I never had" is an ass-backwards, convoluted way of describing the feeling of having wants and dreams. Hence the next line bringing up "missing things I used to have" for the contrast. It's basically saying, "Dreaming big sucks, but thinking about the things I've lost in the process of becoming happy sucks worse."

If that line gets more negative reaction, perhaps I'll just change it to something more straightforward such as "As when I used to dream of things I never had" though I hate to just hand every idea to the audience.

You hit the nail on the head with your interpretation of the meaning. I'm glad that at least the idea came across clearly.

I used a non-standard time signature with this song, so I can understand how you might think some lines are too long for their place. To attempt to clear that up, I'll try to put beats to the first verse:

The first line is four beats (for reference, the beats are roughly on 'happy' 'now' 'just' and 'sad'), the second is six, then a two beat pause, then the third line is six beats, and then a two beat pause. So even though it's basically in 4/4, the first verse has 20 beats.

I hope that clears some of it up. Thank you for the critique.
#4
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. The biggest problem I see with this piece is the lack of descriptiveness. I like poetry/lyrics to paint a picture for me and this one just seems like a list of emotions. Like with the first verse, describe to us what are these things you used to have. And with the second verse, what are the things you wanted most? I also wasn't a big fan of the "And I don't want to" lines. To me it just made the narrator seem like a whiney brat. Anyways, I know you can do better than this and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.