#1
I do alot of these, haven't posted in a few days, so I thought I'd share this :P I just wrote it now, in about 6 minutes with no refinement, so don't feel bad about tearing it apart with your crit.


Last night
my power went out
and it made me realise
how utterly dependent on the system of electrics we are
So we
reached so easily
deep into our pockets
for iPods and phones whose screens would light our way
As my family
and I sat still
bathed in an electronic glow
we decided that it was time for an early night.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Jul 14, 2011,
#2
The first four lines are about as boring as boring gets due mostly to a lack of any sort of descriptive language (the fourth line is particularly bad because of the directness of it), but the rest was actually decent. The tone definitely changed after the first four lines from everyday speech to a slightly more poetic voice.

The last four lines were actually quite good, though I'd recommend putting "an" between "in" and "electronic" because it sounds a little awkward as is.

Not bad for on-the-spot, man. But as with most on-the-spot pieces, this feels more like an outline than anything. With a lot of polish and a stronger poetic voice, I think this could be a pretty good piece.
#3
If "Phones" is capitalized because it's an Apple product, just put the i in front. Otherwise, it's awkward. Also, "whose" is the word you're looking for. It looks like you're randomly capitalizing the first words of the lines. Don't do that.

All clear? On to the less technical aspects. That "system of electrics" bit sounds like an ESL phrase, and the line in which it's found smacks the temple of subtlety with a claw hammer. The theme that culture has become addicted to shiny things is valid but well-mined. Rip open some new veins. Are you saying that your family could've talked but instead polished off their Apples and resigned to a TV-free, early-to-bed evening? Cool. Say more than that. Maybe someone noticed the fridge wasn't humming. Maybe nobody said anything. Maybe a family pet scared someone out of their tunnel vision. Maybe Dad went looking for his bottle of Ballentine's but couldn't find a flashlight and gave up.

Fix the technical errors, change that line, and flesh it out. Keep writing, keep rockin'.

Fun fact: In other countries, sun showers are referred to as weddings of different animals. Fox's wedding, tiger's wedding, etc.
I am a fake mountain.
Last edited by DanTheHobbit at Jul 13, 2011,