#1
I saw an old friend of mine's tweet about how he's so happy he's rich (yeah, I fucking know) and I wanted to write a poem. Not super happy with it, not super attached to it. Just wanted to vent and it ended up to be kinda cool. Let me know what you think

the sell out crowd
for the warriors
killing the lions,
life.

we've grown so long
and far from first future
thoughts and we have
fast food and
corrupt corps
as trophies.

moon, mars, rovers,
cops the eyes
from kids in trashcans
and moms in dumpsters,
because it's a fucking step up.

a bigger house
for more bills
that feed the rich
for a family of three,
while a family of seven
live in your cellar.

my passion flows
like the river that's flooded
the preschool.

you're the fucks that
broke the levy.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jul 13, 2011,
#2
*permit my posterior to speak for me for a bit*

Life sucks when you're not on top, and it's easy to be critical when you're not the king. I'd be happy if I were rich, too. I'm tired of living in an apartment as big as a public bathroom. If I find myself in a position where I can have a nice house, of course I'm going to take that step. People generally like to have something to show for their efforts, be it trading in their 1988 Honda Civic for an '05, or buying beachside vacation property on Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.

Just having nice things makes people jealous of you, and that kind of forces you to join a new social group eventually. Nobody in the slums would complain if they won the lottery and could live safely and comfortably somewhere else, especially since they'd get robbed if they stayed.

Now, I agree with you that all this progress perverts society. Thousands of years of cooking, and the most popular restaurant franchises are fast food? Writing has been an art form since written language was invented, and Jersey Shore isn't just an area of the United States?

It's fine to toss off a tirade here and there, but don't think that life will ever be perfect, that the poor won't be angry with envy, that the rich will uniformly decide to be more charitable, that you wouldn't treat yourself if you had the means and have people hate you for it, or that diet soda will taste just like regular while being more healthful. Progress is ugly. Look at puberty.

*my posterior takes a bow and leaves*

That's an odd personification of life, as you're leaving nobody exempt but placing everyone as a spectator. It makes everyone passive. I don't think that's your intention, but maybe I forgot how to read.

"First future thoughts" reads as though it's clumsily hanging on to alliteration. I'm not sure if fast food and corporate corruptions are adequate to be called trophies. It's not like they're the proof that we've developed as a species. By-products? Sure. Trophies? Nope.

What's with the first two lines in the third stanza? More specifically, "cops" - huh? Was that a slip of the finger, and you meant "cop?" That would make sense. Other than that, I don't see any problems here. Might as well look at the marvels of the universe to take your mind off a pitiful, current, real situation.

Onto the fourth stanza! Yeah, what you're saying here is pretty true, but it's not much of a statement beyond fact. Also, the ordering of the lines suggests the use of commas to ensure clarity, i.e. for lines 1 and 3. I think that would work. Still, it's a little awkward. Let me get it straight: A family of three buys a bigger house, resulting in more bills that end up helping the rich get richer, and there are families of 7 living in a cellar and all the imagery associated with it. Right? If I am, you can stand to at least put in those commas or find another way to not distort the meaning.

Passion for what or whom? The meager? That can be deduced, I guess. You're tossing yourself in there and jumping out like the cat that doesn't know the tub is full.

And you get personal in the end. If you're going to unleash a screed, target correctly. It can be inferred that "you" refers to the people who cause all these problems, but still... It's a little lacking.

All in all, it's pretty well-written, and I guess my (an' m' arse's) issues are more philosophical than anything. I kind of feel like my crit here's all over the place and doesn't say what it should, but it's not like either of us are getting paid here. Be well. KORITFW.

Fun fact: Fruit flies love Jack Daniels.
I am a fake mountain.
#3
Wow, thanks for the super in depth crit, much appreciated that you took the time.

An old friend, who this was written about, tweeted something like "it's a good day to be rich!" and just moved from his half a million dollar house to a million dollar house, his dad pays for his rent in a different house, his 2011 car, gas, his friend to live with him, he has a jet, and he brags about it. That's how I know how much his houses costs, and I can't stand it.

It seems like this could be taken as a universal poem, which seems as how you took it, but it was more personal and honestly a pretty shitty poem that I wrote when I was just pissed off at his arrogance.

Again, I appreciate it more than anything that you took however much time it took for you to read/crit this. If you have something you wrote, I'd be glad to try and crit it for you

(And that first future thought was a forced alliteration )
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#4
I had a response mostly typed out at work, but I had to leave the office in a hurry and lost it. Bah.

You're welcome. Now that things have been explained a little more, I see your intentions. Nobody likes to hear someone else gloating, especially when it's through good fortune and not effort. I have some cousins who grew up rich, but they earned their keep when they grew up. Nothing like drinking Smuttynose Pumpkin Ale on a skiff in Plymouth Harbor, especially for a waiter like I was at the time...

Remember that if you submit a piece to a public that might not know you or the back story (which is 99.999991% of the time), people can only go off what they see, and my reply reflected that. No problemo on taking the time. I kind of do this to keep myself writing. If you see a thread by me pop up, toss in your two bucks and enjoy the show. Be well.
I am a fake mountain.
#5
And I love the idea that people don't know my story so they can make they're own


Will do, thanks again.
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