#1
crit4crit
A LITTLE PUSH IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

My eyes were bloodshot
Straining to find what I was missing,
Staring sleepless at the stars
Trying to look for a heaven.
But now I bow my head and look down
To see the face of God,
And focus on the gravity
That keeps me on my feet.

Too many split decisions
Have divided up my soul,
But I found the better half
To make my spirit whole.

Words cannot describe Love
You won't find my God in a Bible;
I feel like judge, jury, executioner
But I only put myself on trial.
Don't matter if I'm guilty as charged
'Cause I keep my cross close to my Lord's,
Whether I'm the thief that mocked Christ
Or the one with him in Paradise.

Too many split decision
Have divided up my soul,
But I found the better half
To make my spirit whole.

In the middle of Armageddon
We met our former selves,
And cut their heads off
To the sound of wedding bells.
Now the four Horsemen
Have all been renamed;
Death, Famine
War, Pestilence;
Groom, Bride
Best Man, Bridesmaid.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 14, 2011,
#4
"Don't matter if I'm guilty as charged
'Cause I keep my cross close to the Lord's,"

I really like the statement that line makes, but it feels out of place in this poem. On first reading it seemed really contradictory after stating that you can't find your God in the Bible. On a second reading it seems that you're trying to make a statement about being close to your lover through the good and the bad? It's very unclear. (if it is the second one, then you should keep it like that)

I'm not a big fan of the Bible/trial rhyme. On the other hand, renamed/bridesmaid had a very good flow.

On the whole, this is a really cool poem. You've got some really cool comparisons going on throughout. The image of chopping off your former self's head made me smile. It definitely merited a second/third read through. Good work!
Whether I am a hungry rabbit or a frightened carrot, my home is the same.
#6
This is a really solid piece, and I enjoyed reading it. The one line that didn't flow well for me was "And cut their heads off". I suggest changing it to "And cut off all their heads" because it flows better after the previous line. Other than that, this is amazing.

Congrats on WotM. You obviously deserved it.