#1
my back to the wood, nudging into my spine
in the shade, hidden out of sun's sight
the times have faded by without a cheer
my head locked down, hands on my knees
some light pours through wooden posts
bleeding rays upon a failure
of a normal man;
no girlfriend, money, and recognition
so i get up,
and walk down from this treehouse
built alone between one long sandy stretch
as if they were two roads.

i feel the rumble of pebbles as i cross,
taking a risk from my sheltered world,
i carefully make way down
a carved path to the ocean
nearly slip,
grasp for solid rock
as balance, if i should fall
pick up 'stones
hurl the biggest one,
a satisfying plop.

i threw them out of half enjoyment
half anger, i suppose
pulling force into the throw
trying to dent rock or floating logs
just trying to make a mark
on the world.

C4C

INTOLERANCE IS IGNORANCE


Quote by kosmic
Holy Moses.
haha
Last edited by Pauldapro at Jul 17, 2011,
#2
This is some of the more original imagery I've read on the forums so far, I quite enjoyed it as a whole, particularly the last three lines ; the idea of, even as a child, needing to make your mark on the world is quite interesting, although I felt that some points you're forcing it a little.

The "oblivious/frivolous" rhyme was strangely out of character with the old piece, almost as if it had been said with a smirk and bitten lip, I really don't see any point rhyming here, structurally or otherwise. Perhaps leaving out those two lines or just rewriting them, honestly, to me "I hear a happy child in glee" sounds a little sloppy. Other than that, the first stanza is clean and well written, punctuation/capitalisation and such could always be a little better though.

The second stanza is also well written, but needs some minor revising for flow, particularly with the section
"almost slipping .... if i should fall
pick up some stones"
This doesn't make sense on the initial read through, and it halts the flow of the piece. Structure is the only issue here

The third stanza however is perfect in my opinion, I'd only change that capitalisation and punctuation :P
Overall, it's quite a nice piece, and with a little revision could be awesome I hope that helps

(you don't have to, but I'd appreciate your thoughts on my latest piece https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1461353 )
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
Thank you so much for the critique! Yeah, I realized some of it sounds pretty forced, especially that single rhyme. A happy child in glee sounds pretty cliche now.

INTOLERANCE IS IGNORANCE


Quote by kosmic
Holy Moses.
haha