#1
C4C, as always.

If I could make you hear
what I hear,
then maybe I'd hear more
from you.

But we are buried
underneath the shade in the park,
praying to God
to lift the earth from our throats
so we can make noise
together.

And someday
the trees above us
won't make you feel so closed-in,
so you can finally look up.
#2
To the point. Nice imagery. I find the "praying to God" part to not be as tasteful as the rest of your piece but that might be just a short coming on my part.
Last edited by BloodCold at Aug 15, 2011,
#3
I agree that the God line doesn't work here. This was one of my earlier works in a series of nature- (namely trees) themed pieces, so I don't know why the hell I threw God in there.

Thank you for pointing that out. (And, also, for reminding me of this piece. I had forgotten about this one and would have neglected to save it had you not commented.)

#4
I liked everything except the word choice of 'throat' it seems almost abrupt?
It took me for a spin, kinda thre me off from the piece. Idk, it might just be me. haha

But i like the rest of it, imagery and the emotional pull was phenomenal!
#5
I think "throat" is used because that's how a person generally makes noise, and I don't see what's wrong with praying to God. If you're gonna be praying, he's just as good as anything else to pray to, better than most things, in fact.

To lift the earth from off their throats is a great image, IMO. The world itself is suffocating them, it's too much, who else but God could deliver them from such a fate? To allow them to breathe freely once again?

I think this is FAR better than your other recent piece. I think this deserves expanding and revisiting.
I don't see why you wouldn't know why you used God in your own work. It seems strange to just accept that you didn't know what you were doing. Don't you know what you want to say within a piece? How can anyone tell you you said what you wanted to say wrong? The only failure is not saying anything.
Last edited by Four-Sticks at Aug 15, 2011,
#6
Quote by Four-Sticks
I think "throat" is used because that's how a person generally makes noise, and I don't see what's wrong with praying to God. If you're gonna be praying, he's just as good as anything else to pray to, better than most things, in fact.

To lift the earth from off their throats is a great image, IMO. The world itself is suffocating them, it's too much, who else but God could deliver them from such a fate? To allow them to breathe freely once again?

I think this is FAR better than your other recent piece. I think this deserves expanding and revisiting.
I don't see why you wouldn't know why you used God in your own work. It seems strange to just accept that you didn't know what you were doing. Don't you know what you want to say within a piece? How can anyone tell you you said what you wanted to say wrong? The only failure is not saying anything.


I actually had no idea where I was going with this piece when I wrote it; I just wrote it on-the-spot and let it go where it wanted to (as with most of my work, actually.)

That said, I don't like the use of God for two reasons: religion or faith seems out of place in a piece centered around the idea of sound and (on a deeper level) love, and I don't believe in God, so it doesn't feel right on a personal level.

And, yes, I used throat because it's where the sound is created (as opposed to the mouth, where the sound escapes.)
#7
Yeah I don't believe in God either, but as an artistic choice I see nothing wrong with it personally. Oh well.
#8
The opening and closing stanzas are fabulous, wouldn't change a thing. The middle one does seem a bit unsure of itself. It's as though you begin and end along a straight line, but fumble around a bit getting there. But I know that you're a fantastic writer, so I bet you could revise it and really make it a powerful little piece of work with some shaving.

My newest one is called Rain Forever if you have a minute.
#9
I think the middle one is the best, for what it's worth. I definitely relate to the idea of the trees making you feel closed in. I don't think this needs editing in terms of cutting stuff out, but maybe just elaborating and expanding.

EDIT: Also I'd just like some input on my "Tramping the Wilderness" if you ever get around to it.
Last edited by Four-Sticks at Aug 17, 2011,