#1
So, I just wrote a song. But I don't know if I like the second half of it, and I can't think of any changes to make. I like the whole direction of it, but I think it could be a lot better. These are the lyrics to the half I'm not sure about:

So I took you away, for a walk in the rain
a thing I never did those days.
So we talked about employment and how you intend to use it.
to get a better role in your play.
I asked you "What sort of job would you want?
"What type of thing do you do now?"
I heard you answer, but I couldn't see your face,
for the moon was blocked by the clouds.

You said "I'm an engineer on a lost train of thought,
and I can't refund any tickets that you've bought.
I don't know where we're going, but I think I know the way.
If only the conductor could hear the words I say."


Any thoughts on changes to make? I know I don't like the second paragraph, except for the first line. Opinions?
#2
I actually kind of dig it. The second stanza is somewhat clever, and nothing stands out as bad. It really depends on the genre, and it would help to see the rest of the lyrics. But what I see here really isn't bad, it's just simple and very folk-ish in that it tells a story without any fancy words or evocative imagery.
#3
I like it - great metaphors, pulls you into the story~
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#4
I like it a lot, and don't at the same time. Not to be a douche, but I would revise it as:

I took you away, for a walk in the rain
a thing I never did those days.
We talked about life, and how to use it
to get a better role in this play.
I asked you "What would you want?"
"What will you do now?"
I heard you answer, but couldn't see your face,
for the moon was blocked by the clouds.

You said "I'm an engineer on a lost train of thought,
and I can't refund any tickets that you've bought.
I don't know where we're going, but I think I know the way.
If only the conductor could hear the words I say."


I really like the second stanza, it's very strong. Also, don't be afraid to sit on a set of lyrics for a while, when you go back to them you can be more objective since it's not so fresh.


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