#1
I started on this song not too long ago. I know it's a bit heavy, but it's something that I tend to feel really strongly about. It's not at all done, but I'd love some critiques on how it is so far.

Verse-
This candy coated silhouette
Hides the guilty cigarette
That's burning in her trembling fingers
As she contemplates what she's done
But what would be the greater sin
To kill or just to lie again
To the policeman at her door
When asks what happened to her eye
Chorus-
But what gives us the right to judge her
When we've never lived a moment in her life
You can say you've been there and it gets better
But your words never softened his blows
Verse-
When fist met cheek the gears they turned
And as years went on resentment burned
It was only a matter of time until
She'd return the blow in kind
Now just today she followed through
Thank God the bullet's path stayed true
And broke open the blackened chest
That should have contained his heart
-Chorus-
Bridge- (Building really heavily throughout the bridge)
And now she packs her bag and drives
The neighbors begin to wonder why
The house was silent for the first time
But no one ever stops to question
What happened behind those closed blinds
The thought never even crossed their minds
To stop and help her when she cried
All those mother****ing times
Don't ask yourself what you would do
You don't know what she's been through
Just thank your god that you're alive
Both on the outside and inside
Final Chorus-
So don't even try to judge her
You can never understand that kind pain
If you shed a tear for the man that's six feet down
Then you only pouring water in to the lake in which she drown


Meh... I'll probably be scrapping at least half the song. I really like the first half more, but I'd like to know what you folks think.
Last edited by wasted_bassist at Jul 17, 2011,
#2
2nd verse on was way better than first verse and chorus. The imagery was a lot stronger, and the main problem with the beginning was that the idea wasn't coming across well. It was there, it just needed better execution. When you really hit your stride though, it got better. Some of the lines/rhymes could have been stronger, and a break from rhythm (it got a little tedious and repetitive towards the end) would have made a bit better.
#3
Opened with the silhouette/cigarette rhyme. I always smile on that one, no idea why.
Content-wise, I feel that the first verse was rushed, what you're trying to say in that is so painfully direct that I personally feel requires twice the space.
Minor typo in the chorus lives ---> lived?
Chorus was. ehhh.

Directly after this, the flow and strength of the piece flourished. Just solid in comparison.
Bridge may be drawn out a bit, but it's fine as is.
Final chorus reads much better than the original.


no need to return the favor, you'd have to dig up an old thread. Keep it buried.

Good luck
Promises meant a lot back then.