#1
crit4crit
IF WALLS COULD TALK I WOULD COVER THEM WITH DUCT TAPE

I cannot stand the silent chatter
Of the ghosts inside my home,
And whatever question the shadows ask
The walls always answer "No".
So I run down to the liquor store
Trying to escape from myself,
But I lost him a long time ago
So I guess all is well.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink

I have nothing left to celebrate
Still I drink out of this Christmas mug,
And stare into a night as black as asphalt
Save for one or two lightning bugs.
Back and forth on an old porch swing
With the splinters digging into my legs,
I feel like I have nothing left to give
Not a drop for the mosquitoes in my veins.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink

The sky is filled with wishing stars
But I can't see past the smog,
That your car left in the air
After you had driven off.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 21, 2011,
#2
hmmmm....pretty awesome. I think the title may be a little too long, but that's just because the longest song title I've ever seen is Warsaw, Or The Last Breath You Take. Other than that, it's awesome.
#4
Looks pretty good! I am not sure what genre of music it is supposed to be for though.
#5
"Back and forth on the old porch swing"
The moment I read that every other word was sung by Tim McIlrath (Rise Against)

It's a little bit dark, but I quite liked it
(DAYUM! Kids got some writin' skillz, holmes!)
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#6
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
IF WALLS COULD TALK I WOULD COVER THEM WITH DUCT TAPE

I cannot stand the silent chatter
Of the ghosts inside my home,
And whatever question the shadows ask
The walls always answer "No".
So I run down to the liquor store
Trying to escape from myself,
But I lost him a long time ago
So I guess all is well.

The second half of this stanza doesn't sit right with me. It just feels loose and uninteresting. The first four lines are golden.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink

Not bad, not great. It gets the point across, but it doesn't do much for me emotionally.

I have nothing left to celebrate
Still I drink out of this Christmas mug,
And stare into a night as black as ink
Save for one or two lightning bugs.
Back and forth on an old porch swing
With the splinters digging into my legs,
I feel like I have nothing left to give
Not a drop for the mosquitoes in my veins.

The third line is a bit cliche. "Ink" is too commonly used to describe a dark night, so I'd suggest changing it. The rest is good, but I feel like you lost the more surreal feel that the first stanza set.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink

The sky is filled with wishing stars
But I can't see past the smog,
That your car left in the air
After you had driven off.

This seems irrelevant so late in the piece. I feel like, if this song/poem involves a person leaving (presumably a lover) then it should be a more central theme.

And it's always...
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink
Just one more drink

Looking back on the refrain, I think you could add some power and purpose to it by extending it each time it's delivered. As in, add another "Just one more drink" each time it comes up. Just a thought.


Overall, not one of my favorites I've read from you. It doesn't offer much to evoke strong emotion or image, and I feel it loses steam as it progresses.
#7
Impressive piece. Consider changing "the ink line" to another object that works into the verse about the porch(ex: asphalt, black and white portrait, car tire, ect.)
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