#1
I'm very new to this

Hours, Ours
It’s always sunny in my bedroom
My waking hours are yours asleep
the paths to take are my boundaries to face
but I struggle to muster as much as a footstep
to enter this state you call sleep
even the sun questions this inability I inhabit
“go to bed, it’ll do you good”
curiously enough, he leaves no one behind
it’s upsetting how long it takes for the sun to set

I could be a recluse for a day
never shed light on the pavements I walk
I’ll forget how to strike up conversations
but at least I’ll never regret saying the wrong things
meals until after supper so we won’t bump into each other
even empty vessels keep mum with thoughts within
only ideas echo within me
hardly ever translated into words
Maybe I’ll be a recluse
Quote by GArrigan
that sir was done with class


Hear the wind
whispering your name
twice the encouragement
of the real you
#2
This was good but it kind of felt that each stanza was its own poem. The first stanza didn't tell me much else than the narrator is having a hard time falling asleep. The second stanza is a little more introspective and is more interesting. I think you need to bridge the gap between the two. Not being able to fall asleep and being a recluse aren't inherently related ideas so it's up to you to show us how they are. My suggestion is that you rework the first stanza and change some the phrasings and then further explore this idea of being a recluse. I think it's interesting and a more in-depth analysis of what you mean could add a lot to the poem. But overall, this is good. If this is one of your first poems then I'd say you're definitely heading in the right direction as a beginneer. Hope to see you around more.
here, My Dear, here it is