#1
soft skin, she's always cold
died her hair red now it's a dark purple glow
she likes harry potter but only since the hype
says we will move to alaska but i know we won't
she can never tell when i'm joking and i think i know
when she's very quiet exactly what is wrong
and she always says 'i wish you were here'
and i tell her what i think she wants to hear
maybe she is just something to do when i'm bored
if so i feel sorry for anyone i ever do truly love.
#2
I loved it, especially the first line. It was a very direct way of saying you're in a relationship that you don't like, but you elaborated on it quite well. I also liked the third line a lot.
No real crit here, besides it being pretty short. Also,
"she can never tell when i'm joking and i think i know
when she's very quiet exactly what is wrong"
Could be changed to something more poetic. I'd like to see a continuation of this
If you ever need something to do, you can crit Are There Accidents in Heaven in my sig
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Jul 20, 2011,
#3
this actually had great flow to it; a nice, smooth read. the subtle rhymes here and there were also very refreshing, especially the "cold", "glow", and "know" rhymes. As for the content, I loved the first line as well as the play on died/dyed. A little unsure about the harry potter line because i'm not sure it adds a whole lot to the piece. The dyed hair and alaska add more to the character of this girl than that line does, in my opinion, so I'd suggest taking a look at that if you were to edit this.

This touched on a slightly newer topic for you I feel, and that was refreshing to see. Well done.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
This was a pretty brave piece to write. I feel like i've been here and didn't write about it for fear of it sounding patronising towards the girl in question. You did well.