#1
Didn't feel like making up a title. Enjoy and c4c
I’m alone and thinking. Hit and sinking. This day goes on forever, this bed goes on forever. My feet will never have to touch the floor as I’m floating and listening, listening to the voices that will guide me to you, but what will you guide me to? I shed my lids superficially, sitting up staring at my toes, the broken nails I loathe. I love nothing but the music, the soul for the soulless. I curse with complacency as I leave my empty bed, “good morning heathen”, good night life. It’s the one thing that keeps me alive. I’ll be sure to have sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings, harsh scraping metal, nails on a chalkboard jolt me upright, every ****ing day, there’s no rest. I try to be alone, but instead I’m just lonely. Unfeeling eyes always creeping, cold metal bars always keeping. I’m locked in, like I’ve been all my life. And to think I woke up today feeling like things would be different.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#2
The stream of consciousness feel of this was slightly hit or miss for me but there were some parts that I thoroughly enjoyed. For one, the rhymes were appreciated and gave this poem somewhat of a beat and rhythm. Also, the toenails image was stark; small, unassuming details like that can actually add a lot to a piece. I would've like to have seen a few more of those sprinkled in there. But that one in particular was real good. Also, the good morning heathen, good night life part stuck with me for some reason. That was an instance where I felt your stream of consciousness was working well for the piece.

At other times though, I felt lost in that stream. I couldn't really bring the gap between you being in your bed to suddenly hearing nails on a chalkboard and being locked behind metal bars. I know that this might be stream of consciousness but I still was a little off guard when those images popped up. Unless they're metaphors. And if that's the case, being locked in something and not being able to get out is a little cliche. I really think you can switch it up and make it more fresh.

I guess that's the biggest thing. I thought the first part of this was real fresh and the stream of consciousness was working beautifully. The last part was a little stale for me though. Even the last line didn't work for me much; I ended up not caring.

I think building off your successes in the first part will do wonders for this because it really is good stuff. That's just my opinion, however.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Ben!

Alright, really liked this. Like I said, you have a very unique stream of consciousness style. I greatly enjoyed the imagery and ideas you put forth with your words here, they are visceral and grip the reader by the collar of the shirt, and don't let go. However, I think the poem suffers with some flow or timing issues. My favourite lines are the ones that mesh together - 'voices that will guide me to you/but what will you guide me to?' and 'unfeeling eyes always creeping/cold metal bars always keeping' these lines contain similar, yet different ideas, and they flow very well into each other. You have similar success with the imagery on other lines - 'sitting up staring at my toes/the broken nails I loathe' and 'I’ll be sure to have sweet dreams and sweeter awakenings, harsh scraping metal, nails on a chalkboard jolt me upright, every fucking day, there’s no rest.'. However, the timing of these lines disrupt your, and the readers, thoughts and ideas on the poem, due to the style. In the beginning of your poem I felt like I was helplessly speeding toward the end, and I never wanted it to end, while in the second half it feels more claustrophobic, like there are awkward words and phrases that are in my way on my journey to the end of your poem (if that makes any sense at all )

Overall, I think I should keep most of what you have here, and try changing parts around to see if they fit any better anywhere else. And most definitely keep the last line, I loved it, it's very conclusive.

Keep up the good writing DT Brother
#4
I completely agree with everything that SubwayToVenus said. Like. Those are my literal thoughts. That and that even though it's a stream of consciousness style, the way it was all in one paragraph with thoughts separated by commas was really hard to read. Thanks so much for the critique on my piece. I'm sorry I couldn't give you something in more detail, but it really would just be repeating what SubwayToVenus said. Good work, Ben.
#5
stream of consciousness is my style of choice for most of what i write these days. there were some good things here but they were overshadowed by vague discrepancies of style and imagery. the trick is to stay at a quick clip, keeping your audience at the edge of their seat, while also building a specific narrative or at least a solid line of thought. it seemed like this balance was not achieved. always sacrifice rhyme for content- as rhyme is used for enhancement of that content and cannot be content in of itself (unless we're talking surrealism, which we are not haha). you didnt commit to your images. by that i mean you talked about scraping metal but you did not flesh out what it was that was scraping, or even hint at it. get your audience in contact with the real first and then work on the emotional ramifications of that reality (the physical, sensuous world)



keep it up man, let me know if you want me to check anything of yours out in the future- i like your style.

if you wouldnt mind checking out my most recent on the main page.
#6
Your work always has a "stream of consciousness" feel to it and I always enjoy that. Usually I'm off put by bricks of text, but yours move around enough that it keeps it interesting, so good job on that.

The end was the strongest part, I feel like most of the poem you were waiting to get to it. The internal rhyming helped pick up the pace and the involvement of the reader, and the last line really sold the whole thing. Familiar and depressing.

Good job, Ben.
#7
Thanks you two. Synth, thanks for that kind of clarification... I could never figure out whether to emphasize rhyme or content. And I didn't even think of describing the images. I always thought my pieces lacked a little meat, and my ideas jump around too fast.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.