#1
C4C, as always.

Two thousand strong,
dizzy, dislocating joints
behind and beneath
the refuge of careless confusion
to be reassembled
in more beautiful patterns
by the light of day.

Giving away ephemeral purpose
to bring aimless permanence
and lesser (greater) things
to visit me in my sleep,
where I dream of rivers
and oceans.
#2
I thought this was really, really well-written. Such good poise and a strong voice. I also appreciated the nice slant rhymes too of "purpose-permanence" and "sleep-things". I felt everything that needed to be said was said while also leaving much open for the reader to interpret. Wouldn't change a thing about it, sir.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I put a line break there because I intended for just a slight pause between "rivers" and "and oceans." Thanks for the kind words, guys. Nice to see people appreciate my work again. It's been a while since I've posted anything worth reading.
#6
Quote by Winter Sky
C4C, as always.

Two thousand strong,
dizzy, dislocating joints
behind and beneath
the refuge of careless confusion
to be reassembled
in more beautiful patterns
by the light of day.

Giving away ephemeral purpose
to bring aimless permanence
and lesser (greater) things
to visit me in my sleep,
where I dream of rivers
and oceans.



I love the title, it drew me in right away.

First verse: I love the imagery of chaos into order (which is so counter to basic thermodynamic principles, which is why I like it. Reverse entropy.)

Second Verse: Near-rhyme is a favorite of mine, so I love what you did with the words 'purpose' and 'permanence'. The last three lines of the 2nd verse are great; you bring me into your world, your dream world. Wonderful.

Your title drew me in thinking - "both are water - but so very different' and I was hoping to see that explored in the lyrics. Or, "why are these two bodies of water so important to him?" More, please~
Did you know: animal agriculture contributes more to global warming than all modes of transportation combined? Go Veg - it is the right thing to do for the planet, for your health, and for the animals.

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#8
Quote by lmcd
I love the title, it drew me in right away.

First verse: I love the imagery of chaos into order (which is so counter to basic thermodynamic principles, which is why I like it. Reverse entropy.)

Second Verse: Near-rhyme is a favorite of mine, so I love what you did with the words 'purpose' and 'permanence'. The last three lines of the 2nd verse are great; you bring me into your world, your dream world. Wonderful.

Your title drew me in thinking - "both are water - but so very different' and I was hoping to see that explored in the lyrics. Or, "why are these two bodies of water so important to him?" More, please~


I may very well write another piece as a sequel of sorts to this one because I've gotten so much positive feedback. There's so much I've yet to explore with this idea, such as (like you said) why rivers and oceans are important.

I'm glad you caught on to my purpose in the first stanza. I didn't think anyone would get it.

Thank you for the critique.

#9
I really can't see what this IS, what it wants from me, or what you're SAYING...this leaves me with a feeling of "what is this doing here?"
Vague, colorless, fuzzy. To me it's just an assemblage of words. The only image is you dreaming of rivers and oceans, as far as I can tell, which is a welcome relief from the purgatory of the rest of the piece. The ending is the piece's saving grace, IMO.

But maybe I'm just too primitive for something like this...
#10
I understand how you don't get the purpose or meaning behind it, as it is vague, but it's not about the imagery. With this piece, I focused more on abstract ideas and the way the words feel and flow. Thanks for the critique.
#11
I very much enjoyed this piece. The words and images were fantastic. I could very easily see this as a song, and would be excited to hear it played out Keep on Writing
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