#1
crit4crit
MAN VERSUS GOD

Before the dawn of time
I had fermented this wine,
And cellared it deep within
The foresight of unborn Christ.
Waiting for the right moment
To pop the bottle open,
A resurrection atmosphere
With a devil may care woman.

When I'd finished painting the dawn
I came home to find the wine all gone,
Man had poured it onto salted earth
Trying to give birth to a new God.
But they only elect presidents
To have assassination targets,
They turned the messiah into
The poster child for abortion.

I'm just a shepherd working on the other side
Where the grass is always greener,
From all the rain clouds that always follow
Your scapegoats and I.

Tears are the safety valve of the heart
But don't flood the floor with glass shards,
Because even if you walk on water
You still have to swim with sharks.
There's no alarm to stop this bad dream
No Moses to part this Red Sea,
No tabula rasa to come along
And wipe the blood from this crime scene.

They'll strip you of all your wealth
Not a coin left for a wishing well,
They know all about who you are
Long before you know yourself.
But you have to take the bad with the good
The sheepskin from the wolves,
And remember word gets around
Even in the quietest of neighborhoods.

I'm just a shepherd working on the other side
Where the grass is always greener,
From all the rain clouds that always follow
Your scapegoats and I.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 28, 2011,
#2
Its nice how you, except in the chorus, if that is the chorus, alway mix the legends of god with our modern society, yknow, neighbourhoods,crime scene, abortion.
Its good.
#3
I thought it was pretty good.Cant figure out the style you have in mind for the music though. I would change me and your scapegoats to (your scapegoats and i).I like mrbillion like how you infused modern society into the song. "They'll strip you of all your wealth
Not a coin left for a wishing well" i must say this was my favorite line from this. sorry its not a longer crit but im not very good at this. here are 2 links to my most recent lyrics. if you dont mind checkin tham out. any crit would be appriciated.

untitled
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1463582

time stands still
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1460611
#4
While I like the concept and a lot of the wording, your flow seems really off in this piece. A lot of the lines just feel squeezed and compressed, and I can't find a rhythm that works coherently throughout the piece.

With some work, I feel like this could be a lot better. Definitely not your best.
#5
Loads of quotable and clever lines in this, i especially like "They turned the messiah into
The poster child for abortion." I like how the lyrics go towards a climax and then an aftermath.
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#6
I read this like a spoken word song, not rap, but similar, I've been unable to figure out what your intention is with this piece, as far as performing it.

The verses each have very witty and well constructed metaphors, Christianising the current world with some sort of poetic biblical mirror. It's great, but there are very minor faults (More semantics than anything)

Technically, Before the Dawn of Time, there was no Christ, he was born on 0AD,
and just a minor flow issue, the length of "There's no alarm to wake you from this bad dream" is a little too long (syllable wise) to be followed by "no Moses to part this Red Sea" without some sort of pause, it interrupts a little and doesn't sit quite right with me.

I loved the final refrain too, "And remember word... neighborhoods" was perfectly, eloquently stated, really closed off the piece nicely.
It's plain to see why you got WotM Nice work.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#8
I like the statment you make in this song, or at least how I am interpreting it. It might be a bit political, but from what I read in this song is someone who dosent like the use of religion to prove reasons/points of view. I can admire the lyricality of it too. The way you use imagery adds a neat artistic effect to it. I'd say if anything get more specific. Use actual well known events. For example, with the "poster child of abortion", maybe refernce Roe vs. Wade, or something. Idk, I personally love politically critical music, so that might be a bit of a biase on my part. I can also agree with @Winter Sky@ that there seems to be a bit of a rythm issue. I would advise either lengthening the first two stanzas, or shortening the 4th and 5th stanzas so that a solid rythm can be developed. One thing I like to do is come up with my chorus first so that I can base all stanzas off that and keep some sort of a sembelance of flow from that, ya know? Hope I didnt overstep my bounds, only hope to help, not harm
#9
Is this a poem or a lyric?
It reminds me that once i helped my friend in the studio with recording death metal vocals. I took the vodka, and screamed all of the Shelby's stuff out. One "lyric" was 7 A4 sheets long. And the "song" did not have any rhythm. Moreover, it was about some arabian girl bringing some blankets to her father etc. If it wasn't alcohol, i would not make it through.. It's just like this thing: "it was hard to write - it should be hard to read" (as programmers say).

PLUS: i'm definitely not native, but is this correct: "Trying to give birth a new God."?
Like giving birth TO?
Last edited by zywiec at Jul 27, 2011,
#10
I liked the first stanza until the end. The last two lines killed it for me, not sure why. Just didn't seem to fit/make sense.

Second stanza ruled and I have nothing to add other than that. Good job.

Along with the refrain - I thought it was awesome. A subtle cliche that expanded into something different, awesome.

Next stanza was interesting - cool imagery and alliterations.

Who is "they" in the next stanza? I tried to put it back to the rest of the piece but couldn't find out.

Overall, there was some cool things in this. It was a cool idea and awesome metaphors throughout. Like WinterSky said - not your best. But it was good. I enjoyed the read and after I read it a couple times, maybe I'll edit in some thoughts here.

If you have time, give one of my recent pieces a read over?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458332
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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