#1
the coldest night in july, a thursday
with work in the morning and a flight to catch
we stayed up until 3am as late as we could
and i drove you away and we said our goodbyes
watched closely for any signs of tears in your eyes
you called me later to tell me that paris was the same
you called me lovely, you said i was great
there's not a lot to be said about a perfect goodbye
so i just told you i loved you and you just smiled
the leaves will fall and break in paris when autumn arrives
and you'll be back home where you belong by my side
and you'll continue to make me feel uneasy with the questions you ask
and i'll think of those ten days and how i could of changed the past
it's funny how i let everything upset me but you
i keep you so safe if only you knew
#2
The first three lines and last two are the best, IMO. The last line, in particular, is beautiful. This was all very pretty and heartfelt, but generally poems that contain those two characteristics will get a bit cheesy. This isn't TOO cheesy, but the middle part is definitely sitting on the border.

I liked it a lot though. The title was great, but this isn't the type of poem I necessarily imagine the title with. I'm sure there's some back story or something so it all makes sense, but whatever.

Nice work.
#5
This started out pretty strong, but the middle section got kind of dull. The last two lines are great. I agree with #1 synth that this really just needs more imagery to flesh out the story-telling aspect of it and make it a great piece.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 26, 2011,