#1
you're motionless (thighs in my dreams
spread), your breasts.
that summer dress, swingin on the door
the subtle noises
soft summer rain fucking the floor outside
brutal gentleman inside ruining everything in those seconds

and i wonder & wonder when they happened
if

to lose someone you truly love
to lose to lose to lose to lose
to lose someone you truly love
to lose to lose to lose to lose
to lose someone you truly love
to leave (their house a final time
to smoke your cigarettes alone

to soak your coat lapels in wine
to watch yourself become afraid
of watching happy couples fight
to watch your skin turn dark and dead
to see your bones (so frail a sight)

(i laugh at how, i once shook so
to think of death & doom & pain

(i laugh to make, the candles grow
and suck those fuckers back again)

what could be worse than kettles lamps
all those lonely inside things
(i laugh at how it was this world,
and not the next, that does us in,,)

cook up another one
feel thaat
do you think i hear the phone ring anymore?
you think i give a fuck about the post hHAHAHAHA
if i hear another word from my sister about who you've started fucking now i'll send you both to mexico city

oh christ why why y y y y & y

sweat dress heels in the air
your motionless thighs,
spread, your breasts.
that dress on the door
the subtle noises
your hair disarranged
your mouth open ever so slightly
i'm the moon beyond the balcony
stuck up there while he's down there

bla bla bla i could care less
about the things you choose to do
bla bla bla i could care less
(about the hordes of other men)
and bla bla bla what does it matter
(about the countless OTHER MEN)
to lose someone you truly love
.to never be the same again
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 22, 2012,
#3
Come back.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I kind of feel this is a mix of gruesome and beautiful, i really like the first parts especially.
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Last edited by Gord@k at Jul 23, 2011,
#8
(i laugh at how it was this world,
and not the next, that does us in,,)

^Bravo.

The blend of intellectual depth/curiosity/wondering mixed in the beginning and middle with the bluntness/honesty of the end was fantastic. If this is a poem, I think the repetition of the stanza at the end (I guess the last two lines are different) could be changed to something else. If this is a song, ignore me.

Anyway, you've impressed me twice in the past ten minutes. This one though was particularly enthralling.
#9
This made my heart feel funny. It's beautiful. And yet. Terrible. I absolutely loved:

to leave (their house a final time
to smoke your cigarettes alone

to soak your coat lapels in wine
to watch yourself become afraid
of all the all the air in (autumn spring)
to watch your skin turn dark and dead
to see your bones (so frail a thing)

That's awesome. One thing I thought that didn't flow quite as well was in the stanza about the moon the "stuck up there while he's down there" line. It might be better as "stuck up here while he's down there." Great stuff, mate.
#10
the kind of feeling you get after listening to the last song of a jimmy eat world record. wonderful stuff.
#11
I'm so confused :/
Admittedly, I'm fairly new at serious writing, but this whole thing sounded jumbled, sort of an ad-hoc teenagers depressing poetry mixed with country song repetition and alot of emotion and imagery to me... Hmmm
I'm probably just under-analysing this piece.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#13
totally beautiful. congrats man.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
I don't like the "in those seconds" after the gentleman ruined everything. It tries wayy too hard to be poetic. As it moved on, I felt more bitter every time I read another "fuck", but the rain outside was the best one I've heard in a while. spite and hopelessness later, and the reader gets to know the author's pain, but not quickly. it's a slow and deliberate onset, like the swelling that comes days after you get your wisdom teeth pulled - it wasn't so bad at first, but now the flames from your ears are simmering, body bloating, motionless, it's useless to think anymore, it's useless to care much. anymore.
#15
to leave (their house a final time
to smoke your cigarettes alone

to soak your coat lapels in wine
to watch yourself become afraid
of all the all the air in (autumn spring)
to watch your skin turn dark and dead
to see your bones (so frail a thing)

My favourite part. Things have been slow round S&L lately, this was lovely. The first two lines from the above quote were absolutely perfect for me. Really, really, good job.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#16
just got back from the airport... i appreciate this so much guys. leave links for return crits but i'll search around and try and get some comments down