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#1
"Father, I had a bad dream"

You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."
"No, Father."
The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"
"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up."
You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.

"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats."

Such is life in Moscow.


Anybody else find these funny? They're downright hilarious when you've read the creepypasta they're based on.
#3
You are diligent worker at Soviet Administration office working at night. The Soviet Copy Machine begins working like good Soviet worker. You go to Soviet Copy Machine and see many Soviet copies in the Soviet tray. It is picture of you dead in chair. The other pictures are also of you dead but taken from more Soviet angles.

There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.
#4
Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.
#5
Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Comrades can lick too." She screams.

Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
#6
Boris and I vere having nice discussion over latest news in Crimea when suddenly his phone ring. He pick up phone, give to me, say, it Natasha's dad. I pour us vodka and tell him Natasha's dad died heart attack when he heard Natasha prostitue in Leningrad. Boris pour me some Vodka. She had no choice, he tell me; things not the same since fall of Berlin wall. I agree. We drink. Such is life in Moscow.
#7
cheers comrades, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. Such is life.
If you do something right, no one will know you've done anything at all

Proud to be called Best Friends with Pastafarian96
Last edited by Harvey Swick at Jul 23, 2011,
#8
Walking home one night, you notice all the candles in personal shack are lit.
You finish vodka bottle as you approach your door.
House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candles still go out.
You check your pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You relise you'll be late for unpaid community service.
At service, you find letter on floor. It's signed to you, from you. You open the letter, confused.
Inside reads "the out for watch watch"
You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, it appears the 4th and 1st words have swapped places.
"Watch out for the watch."
You look at pocket watch again.

You realise watch is broken, and decide you must get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so as to not send letters to yourself anymore.
Such is life in mother Russia.
#9
Quote by jetfuel495
Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.


The plan was to drink until the pain over.
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Who am I? I'm a titan so be expectin' a clash.
#10
Every time Russian exhales, little bit of Vodka escapes. Smart Russian always inhales Vodka back before anyone else gets to Vodka. Almost.

Ever fog up mirror with breath? Don't do that. Reflection is gypsy and will try to steal Vodka. Hit his head with pipe and collect tears.
#11
Quote by blake1221
There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.



I have no idea why these are so funny.

DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY YOU!


___________________________________________________


TURN OFF YOUR MIND RELAX AND FLOAT DOWNSTREAM

Quote by Scumbag1792
My God, this must be the smartest/greatest guy ever.
Last edited by -xCaMRocKx- at Jul 23, 2011,
#12
Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.

People lied.

Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.

It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.

Such is life for gypsy in Russia.

And no amount of running will save you.
#13
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.
Such is life in Moscow
#15
I love how the english gets worse with every successive post.

Lolling hard.

return 0;

Quote by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.



SOUNDCLOUD
. com / fancy-elle
#17
Quote by SeveralSpecies
Reading these in a Russian accent makes it so much better

There's really no other way to do it.

DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY YOU!


___________________________________________________


TURN OFF YOUR MIND RELAX AND FLOAT DOWNSTREAM

Quote by Scumbag1792
My God, this must be the smartest/greatest guy ever.
#18
Quote by -xCaMRocKx-
There's really no other way to do it.



True. I realized I was reading it with an accent without even knowing it
#20
In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can't continue with life.

Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter's comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:

Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land.
#21
In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.
Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Yes!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Yes!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.
#22
This is a special one.

Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.

After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.

With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist's way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, to Moscow’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.

If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down
#23
Quote by blake1221
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.
Such is life in Moscow




Nice.
return 0;

Quote by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.



SOUNDCLOUD
. com / fancy-elle
#24
One night, comrade Yuri Volkov finds a picture. It shows capitalist dog with smile on face. "What is it so happy about," thinks Yuri. It deserves to be shot for insolence toward the motherland.

But Yuri soon becomes sick. His wife is worried, and doctor says is not a virus, but happy capitalist dog did this. When Yuri shows his wife picture of insolent dog, she faints and Yuri feeling better.

Yuri goes to show picture to his friends, but they report brother Yuri to KGB. He is shot for spreading capitalist dog propaganda.

Motherland does not tolerate such behavior.
#25
For weeks in Moscow I stay in terrible apartment with thin walls. Noise is coming from other places all hours of day and night. One day I find whole in my wall. Landlady will not fix. I offer vodka and she say she try. Later I find man in apartment. He is KGB here to arrest landlady for treason. I poor him vodka and we drink to the death of capitalists in Siberia. Life is good in Russia.
#27
Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but no will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site. Such is life in Russia.
#29
Toys are made by loyal factory for amusement of the children of the motherland.
Toys are of baby, and have realistic crying function.
Soon, it becomes difficult to distinguish baby and toy.
Both are burned for warmth.
Such is life in mother Russia


The hotel room one is also hilarious.
Call me Andrew!

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#30
Quote by blake1221
This is a special one.

Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.

After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.

With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist's way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, to Moscow’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.

If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down






Mother Russia salutes you comrade
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#31
This is probably the best thread ever.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#33
This is the most amazing. I don't even.

Quote by EyeNon15
Thats too bad, I was under the impression I was arguing something profound


1 3 5 R
2 4 6
#34
Quote by SG_dave
Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but no will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site. Such is life in Russia.


This thread is too much win. The spam threads last night were awesome
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
[thread="1339859"]Hammerhead[/thread]
[thread="1341152"]Anglerfish[/thread]

VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
#35
In Mother Russia, Money is short, supplies tight, everyone always hungry. One day girl see blind man in crowd. He tell her deliver note to hovel on trail heading East. Although this was far out of her way she agreed as to promote the productive of the Motherland. But when she turn to make three mile hike up mountain trail to deliver letter, she see man take off broken sunglasses and throw stick to ground and push his way through crowd. She tells closest soldier about man's disguise.

He was execute on suspicion of being capatalist dog spy.

Note is burned for warmth.

Such is life in Mother Russia
#36
Great thread
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Your post was the only bright spot in this disgusting piece of thread.

Quote by lexanirider78
You have balls. I like balls....(awkward silence)

Quote by SeveralSpecies
I waited for the rape.

...


...but the rape never came
#37
Oh my god, this thread
Begin again in the night, let's sway again tonight.
Your arm on my shoulder, your cheek against mine.
Where can we go, when will we find that, we know.
#38
One night man is riding mule down dirt road. Young woman stands on side of road, calls out for ride home. Is very cold in Soviet winter. Man takes off coat and puts it on back of mule. Girl is also cold. Man gives her sack of turnip for to wear. Girl is much thankful for ride home.

Next morning man realize it is day for buying turnip at market, and girl still has sack. He goes to her house. No girl is there, only father. He says daughter died in salt mines ten years ago night before. Man returns to mule, turnip sack is on back of mule.

SOVIET HONESTY IS STRONG! EVEN DEATH NOT STOP REPAYMENT OF DEBTS!