Page 4 of 8
#121
Good lord I haven't laughed this hard at something on the internet since the chuck norris jokes first started popping up. Except this is 100 times funnier.

The capitalist dog propaganda one had me in tears.
#122
Man of hard workings watch home shopping network and decide to buy fancy clok radios for fellow comrades. Is nice gesture. Next day man is murdured by fellow comrades for clok radios waking them to voice of capitalist Garfield cat pig and not beautiful anthem of Motherland!

Such is life in Irkutsk.
#124
Quote by bassplayer8
Hahaha one more:

Once, is boy who love reading. He read everything he could get hands on. Boy realized he read everything in nearby state-owned bookstore. He ask glorious administrator if any books to read now. Administrator say yes and pull out old, mysterious-looking book with title DEATH. "You read book, but never read first page!" say Administrator. "Book is precious! I sell for 50 rubles!" Boy pay for book and go home to efficiently-maintained state apartment block. Boy read every page of mysterious book but first page. Book is mysterious and fill mind with chilling tales of indulgent capitalist pigs; this chill boy in his bones. Then one day boy read first page and recoil in HORROR. Actual price of book only five rubles! Administrator was Jew





#125
I got on train in Moscow, late at night, all was still and quiet. At first, I was proud of the great patriotic quietness in our fine patriotic train which works late into the night in service of the motherland. But then I heard something stir in the darkness of the carraige. I took a glug of vodka and bellowed "Good evening comrade!" but when there was no reply, I did begin to have fear, even though that is unRussian. I soon think... whatever is there, is not human! To my great terror, it stood up and shuffled out from the shadows...

I was right. It was.... a Chechen! So, I calmly beat him to death for the motherland and left a note for comrade cleaner apologising for the glorius mess.

Such is life in mother Russia.
#126
John Stalinvern waited. Light above him blink and spark out of the air. There are capitalist pigs on base. He did not see them, but he expect them for years. His vodka fueled warnings to high rank KGB man Joson were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was soviet factory worker in secret base for fourteen years. When he was young he would watch soviet speech and march and he said to dad "I want to be in march daddy". Dad said "No! You will be killed by capitalist pigs!"
There was time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the secret base of the KGB he knew there were capitalist pigs.
"This is Joson!" the radio crackered. "You must fight capitalist pigs or be sent to count trees!"
So John gotted his rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US." said the capitalist pigs.
"I will shoot at him." said the capitalist tank driver and he fired the rocket missles. John bulleted at him and tried to blew him up. But then ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill capitalist pigs!" he shouted.
The radio said, "No John, you ARE the capitalist pigs."
And then John was a capitalist agent who was taken prisoner and forced to peel potatoes for good of Motherland.
No gods or kings. There is only zuul.
Quote by RU Experienced?
Now police, fire, and EMS vehicle's sirens sound in tritones. Suck it Christians, your protectors are satans minions.


I have been sigged by UG's Greek, what have YOU done today?
#127
^

Is children in state owned park, exercising for future prosperity of mother Russia. You ask to your comrade,
"Children who play in park disappear, why is this? Are they capitalist dogs who seek to abandon Mother Russia?"
"Niet," replies comrade "children tell me of tall capitalist swine in black suit. Take children. Glory to mother russia"
"Glory to Mother Russia."
Later, you are in forest near park. You drink a vodka, but cold winter night punishes you for not working harder and warming up. Out of corner of eye, you see slender capitalist pig. He wears black suit and disguises himself amongst tree.

Man is NKVD operative. Send children to Gulag for playing treason in park. Such is life in Mother Russia



This thread is amazing
#128
Quote by psyks
^

Is children in state owned park, exercising for future prosperity of mother Russia. You ask to your comrade,
"Children who play in park disappear, why is this? Are they capitalist dogs who seek to abandon Mother Russia?"
"Niet," replies comrade "children tell me of tall capitalist swine in black suit. Take children. Glory to mother russia"
"Glory to Mother Russia."
Later, you are in forest near park. You drink a vodka, but cold winter night punishes you for not working harder and warming up. Out of corner of eye, you see slender capitalist pig. He wears black suit and disguises himself amongst tree.

Man is NKVD operative. Send children to Gulag for playing treason in park. Such is life in Mother Russia



This thread is amazing


Fellow soviet lo- EHEM, I love this thread

Here's another one (not so creepy i guess)

One time while ago Soviet man drink many vodkas. Believes life too dull, need to encourage children to want more work. Soviet man invest in carnival. Good quality... like Western carnival. Announce opening soon to public. Many rides, colorful and even ferris wheel. Day is a few days away, when nuclear meltdown disaster happens. City becomes severe radiated, comrades leave city for good carnival never open.

Nuclear meltdown made by government, there is no time for leisure or Capitalist pig influence in Soviets lives.

Such is Life in Chernobyl
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
[thread="1339859"]Hammerhead[/thread]
[thread="1341152"]Anglerfish[/thread]

VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
#129
THE BEST THREAD EVER

THE BEST THREAD EVER RIGHT FUCKING HERE
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#131
This a play on Harold, which can be found on page 5 of the original Nightmare Inducement thread:

Thomas and Alfred were two best friends, whose devotion to each other was exceeded only by their devotion to the Motherland. In Summertime, they took cows to public fields to ingest glorious Soviet greenery, for making of strong, Communist calfs. They all day tended to cattle, proud to provide for Motherland. During night, they slept in small shack. One day, they decided to build large doll, scare greedy birds from garden. Frustration made them abuse doll...kick and spit on thing. Doll began moving in night, frightened boys. One night doll stood over them and open mouth:

"I have proposition. You sell cattle, get money. Start business. Make much capital. Open own slaughterhouse maybe!"

Boys scream for help against Capitalist doll, but no one hear them. Thomas grab shovel and beat doll until head come off. Burn doll for warmth.

Such is life in Soviet Russia.
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
#132
Man on way to potato farm one day when on floor he find picture of young girl.
Girl put up two fingers showing peace sign.
Man become obsessed with girl and search day and night for her.

Finally man find girl and take her to KGB where she is executed for spreading American propaganda.
Vodka is consumed.
Life is good in Russia.
May the Force be with You.
Carmel is hawt
#135
Not this version you didn't.

Fixed it up a bit.
Last edited by blake1221 at Jul 25, 2011,
#136
Strange man in funny suit try to sell me funny vodka. Is purple and tastes like old potatoes. I see funny things and pretty colors. I soon pass out. Wake up in dark room, covered in potatoes. KGB believe that I capitalist pig for buying funny vodka. Make me peel potatoes. I drink more vodka and peel potatoes. I die doing something productive to the Motherland.

Such is life in Mother Russia.


meh my first try
Stuff that I bought:

Washburn WM24V
Raven RG100 Amplifier
Zoom G1X Multi-Effects Pedal

Quote by jsync
how do you define a guitar for a female?
how about one that whines and has trouble with feedback?
#137
These are scary.
To be vulnerable is needed most of all, if you intend to truly fall apart.


Quote by due 07
You have no idea how much I don't want to tell stories about my mother's vaginal slime on the internet.


I make music sometimes.
#138
If you're reading this, then you are most likely capitalist pig. It’s been… two months now since meteor struck Dnepra.
One day when I to come back home from working sweat-in-face for glorious motherland I catch news on radio. The radio inform me that almost everyone who had been in vicinity of Dnepra when the meteor went down had been sent to Siberia to count trees because they do not make up with plan of great pyatiletka. Their symptoms were similar to those of greedy capitalist pig: decadent, lazy and greedy. Ten people had already been killed by KGB for irreversible capitalistic traits.

The next day news soviet scientists had worked out that the meteor had contained capitalism. They send scientists and all their family to gulag for capitalistic propaganda.

Such is life in glorious motherland.
THE SOLE PURPOSE OF THIS SIG IS TO GRAB YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS POST OF UTTER GENIUS
#139
Girl is sitting in home one day and receives video tape cassette. She decides to be watching it, and puts it in VHS machine. Is playing only odd images of little girl in well. After the viewings she has call on telephone. Is voice telling her "7 days." 7 days pass and girl is found dead.

KGB came and killed girl for possessing capitalist telephone and VHS player.

Such is life in Russia.
#140
Quote by jetfuel495
Every time Russian exhales, little bit of Vodka escapes. Smart Russian always inhales Vodka back before anyone else gets to Vodka. Almost.

Ever fog up mirror with breath? Don't do that. Reflection is gypsy and will try to steal Vodka. Hit his head with pipe and collect tears.



What's the original that one was based on? It's hilarious without knowing it.
#141
Man and woman sit next each other on glorious Russian train. Woman take out book and start reading. Train stop several time. Man watch her for a time. He ask "What are you reading, Comrade?" "It is a story of the Capitalist" woman said. Man ask "Do you believe in Capitalist?" Woman replied "I do, they are everywhere, Comrade." "I do not believe in Capitalist Pig" said man. Man also said "I never seen Capitalist Pig, not once." "Haven't you?" Woman said. And was beaten by KGB and sent to Siberia to count trees.

Such is life in The Motherland
Gear

Guitars: '02 Ibanez Jem 7vwh
ESP LTD Alexi 600 Yellow
Ibanez RG560CA w/ SD Invader
Carvin DC747 Vintage Yellow
Ibanez RGA 8 QM w/ Dimarzio D-Active and PAF 8
Washburn KC-70v
Bass: 1980 Aria Pro II SB Elite II
Amps: Vox VT20+
#142
Once was little female comrade. She had task to take soviet sandwiches to feed grandmother at factory so she may work harder to serve great Soviet Motherland. As walking through Leningrad, creeping capitalist pig begin to follow little red comrade.

Capitalist pig follows little comrade through barbed wire and over minefield. Little comrade suspect spy in area, but takes swig of vodka and continues. Capitalist pig knows route, so pig hurry to factory. American spy soon convince weak soviet grandmother to defect and privatize her skin and clothe for purchase. Capitalist pig wear skin and pretend to be part of glorious soviet work line.

Little red-hooded comrade arrive at factory. She notice grandmother is not working hard as normal. Little comrade already suspect pig-dog, and takes another swig of vodka. She ask question.

"Grandma, why your eyes so big?"

"Better to serve Mother Russia with."

"Grandma, why your nose so big?"

"Better to serve Mother Russia with."

"Grandma, why your teeth so big."

"Better to eat Glorious Soviet Sandwich which."

Little Red-Hooded comrade quickly report grandmother to KGB. Good soviet worker never eat sandwich during work. Sandwich for Kremlin. Red girl sent to Siberia for not sharing vodka. Sandwich are burned for warmth.


Such is life in Moscow.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Jul 26, 2011,
#144
In any city, in Motherland, go to any asylum you can get into. Go to the front desk and ask for man who calls himself "The Holder of the End". Should a look of puny fascist-like fear come over the strong communist worker, then you will be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. The corridors will be silent like Spetsnaz killing a weak anti-communist soldier. You will begin to hear someone whispering to themselves, like brother Yuri after 3 bottles too much of glorious Russian vodka. It will be in a language you do not understand but even your courageous workers heart will know fear.

Should the talking stop at any moment, stop walking and yell "GREEDY CAPITALIST PIG! I WILL RAPE YOU LIKE SMALL CHILD." If you hear nothing then remove your trousers and enter the cell. If the whispering resumes like Russian workers after loss of only son then you may choose whether or not to remove pants.

When you enter the room you will see small weak man who has not had beets in some time. He will be speaking in a language not russian, beat him until he speaks the tongue of the motherland.

When he learns the great language you will say the bloodied pile that was once a man "What happens when they go together?"

The fragile man will look into your eyes and answer in great detail. Some have gone mad and lost hope in this great land, do not worry they are in gulag now. After he finishes forget what he has told you for it is capitalist propaganda, kill him and feed him to your children in a beet stew.
Quote by Trowzaa
I can't look at anything starting with BB and not thinking big busty.
Big Busty Queefing.
#146
woke up at once
knocking on door
sweat gleamed on forehead by moonlight
from street below came rumbling of Black Marys
they gave me five minutes to dress up - no more

my son look at me so quietly
he knew what he had done
i said goodbye to wife and left without words
going down it struck me
how i loved son
but more than me son loved the homeland

such is life in Stalingrad.


sadly no one will get the reference.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#147
Quote by Scutchington
John Stalinvern waited. Light above him blink and spark out of the air. There are capitalist pigs on base. He did not see them, but he expect them for years. His vodka fueled warnings to high rank KGB man Joson were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was soviet factory worker in secret base for fourteen years. When he was young he would watch soviet speech and march and he said to dad "I want to be in march daddy". Dad said "No! You will be killed by capitalist pigs!"
There was time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the secret base of the KGB he knew there were capitalist pigs.
"This is Joson!" the radio crackered. "You must fight capitalist pigs or be sent to count trees!"
So John gotted his rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US." said the capitalist pigs.
"I will shoot at him." said the capitalist tank driver and he fired the rocket missles. John bulleted at him and tried to blew him up. But then ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill capitalist pigs!" he shouted.
The radio said, "No John, you ARE the capitalist pigs."
And then John was a capitalist agent who was taken prisoner and forced to peel potatoes for good of Motherland.


The plan was to drink until the pain over.
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Who am I? I'm a titan so be expectin' a clash.
#148
This Is The Story Of A Day Where There Was All This Capitalism. A Comrade Was Walking Around And Capitalism Started Coming Out Of Him Everywhere. There Was So Much Capitalism That It Filled Up The Chernobyl Power Plant Making It Explode. He Went To Gather Potatoes And There Was Capitalism All Over Which Spoil Crop. People Were Eating It And Becoming Pigs And The Comrade Was All Grossed Out. He Tried To Go Swimming But It Made All The Fascists Go Nuts And Put Everybody In Concentration Camps. He Got Chased By All The Ceos Ever. One Time He Got Capitalism On A Statue Of Lenin. At The End Of The Day Everyone Decided They Would Send The Comrade To Siberia So That He Would Stop Getting Capitalism Every Where. The Scariest Part Is That The Comrade Was You!!! (or He Was A Babushka If You Are A Babushka) And You Forgot That This Happened.
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
#150
Quote by Dan_5893
^Why Capitalise every word? You are Capitalist pig.

Unfortunately, I used caps lock (in attempt to perfectly mimic the original), but it changed it to merely capitalizing the first letter of each word...
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
#151
Quote by XxDethmetalxX
Unfortunately, I used caps lock (in attempt to perfectly mimic the original), but it changed it to merely capitalizing the first letter of each word...


KGB knows your secret, comrade. Protectors of glorious Motherland know capitalist when type. Prepare vodka for redistribution before you go, even good traitor work till ending.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#152
Wake up in morning, feel like the great comrade Lenin. Put on spectacles, leave house to go to Moscow to work for glory of Soviet Union. Before leave, brush teeth with vodka because pipes froze overnight. Good Soviet leaves again at night for more hard work to overthrow capitalist pig dogs.

Red paint on toenails from factory show dedication to the cause. Wear plain clothes to not look like filthy capitalist. KGB listens on telephone to find fascist American spies. Glorious State Anthem of USSR plays on communal loudspeaker to boost morale. Approach factory with other proud Soviets. Drink more vodka.

Dilligent worker no stop, he makes good product for benefit of the Soviet Union. Tonight we work until the sun rises on the glorious motherland. Tik Tok around the clock. Good worker never stop.

Such is life in Moscow.
Go Veg.
#153
Quote by miss_muso~
KGB knows your secret, comrade. Protectors of glorious Motherland know capitalist when type. Prepare vodka for redistribution before you go, even good traitor work till ending.


Nyet, I consume whole stock of vodka before tree counting! Your wall will fall, you filthy Marxist dog!
Church burning is good for the (social) environment

_██_
(ಠ_ృ--------


Quote by theknuckster
It's like you take vodka, and then dilute it down until it's pretty much water, but still call it vodka, and proceed to pretend to get heavily wasted off it.
#154
This thread is sexy. I demand more!
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#155
Legends tell of young Russian who is sent to gulag in 1963. After working for the Motherland like true comrade he returns home 15 years later only to spy young Russianette in home. Young Russian, now man, stalks girl and slaughters her and fellow Russians. When KGB arrive, they tell Russian, Mikalev, that victims were capitalist traitors. Mikalev is honored and Vodka flows.

Such is life in Motherland...


I tried.
#156
One night, young boy went to bed. Boy started drifting towards sleep. Boy fell asleep and dreamt of nightmare that capitalist pig sitting over him. Boy woke up, but couldn't move. Tried moving arms and legs but felt that they were paralyzed. Boy finds it harder to breathe every second, like choking on throat.

Boy finally able to move and tells parents. Boy gets sent to Siberia to count trees for sleeping and not working hard for Mother Russia.

Such is life in Soviet Russia.
#157
Quote by blake1221
You are diligent worker at Soviet Administration office working at night. The Soviet Copy Machine begins working like good Soviet worker. You go to Soviet Copy Machine and see many Soviet copies in the Soviet tray. It is picture of you dead in chair. The other pictures are also of you dead but taken from more Soviet angles.

There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.

Quote by Gabel
You are EXTREMELY WRONG! I have played it. I own an 18W and it would be an awful stereo amp, it's way too bright, breaks up too easily and so on. Secondly, why would a guitar store sell an hifi amp.
#158
Quote by im not mental
Wake up in morning, feel like the great comrade Lenin. Put on spectacles, leave house to go to Moscow to work for glory of Soviet Union. Before leave, brush teeth with vodka because pipes froze overnight. Good Soviet leaves again at night for more hard work to overthrow capitalist pig dogs.

Red paint on toenails from factory show dedication to the cause. Wear plain clothes to not look like filthy capitalist. KGB listens on telephone to find fascist American spies. Glorious State Anthem of USSR plays on communal loudspeaker to boost morale. Approach factory with other proud Soviets. Drink more vodka.

Dilligent worker no stop, he makes good product for benefit of the Soviet Union. Tonight we work until the sun rises on the glorious motherland. Tik Tok around the clock. Good worker never stop.

Such is life in Moscow.


WE HAVE A WINNER!
This is great.
#159
Girl come to me once and say she wants to give her life to me, be my slave for making fuck and one day she wants I will bury her alive in cement box. I finished my vodka, tell her that she give her life to the GLORIOUS STATE and there will be no bury alive while work is to be done. I smash bottle over capitalist bitch's head and call KGB. They drink many vodka with me, send fascist slut to Siberia.

Such is life in Soviet Russia.
#160
Not creepypasta, but whatever

In Khrushchyovka born and raised
In the factory is where I spent most of days
Working hard
For good of Motherland
When couple of capitalist pigs up to no good
Started spreading propaganda in neighborhood
I got in one little fight and KGB send to Siberia for not work


Couldn't think of a line to fit in the middle