#1
Inspired by my good friend and the It Gets Better project [ http://itgetsbetter.org ].

(It's Poetic prose, not a song )


Screaming through clenched teeth
“Why won’t anyone notice me”
Hopefully, someone out there will hear
As it build, forming a cacophony
One million more voices join in
They echo off these closet walls.

These closet walls
These closet walls are decorated
With everything I’ve hidden from my room
My dirty secrets, my dirty laundry
Every dirty little thought that makes me feel
Dirty

My closet keeps me safe
The moment I step outside I’m looking down
The barrel of intolerance
Shot dead in my tracks;
Their mouths fire away

I’m a freak, God hates me and I’ll never be loved
That’s what they tell me every minute
Until the minute I run,
So we packed up and left
To a whole, brand new town.

A familiar school, a familiar sound
So I hide inside my closet and I never come out
It’s only a small part of my room
But I can stay clean in here
At least until these kids grow up
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Jul 23, 2011,
#2
its pretty good, except i dont like the use of complicated words in lyrics, like cacophony xD but thats just me, for the rest, i like the message, and a nice music would make it sound awesome
#3
I agree with tntero and the use of the word "cacophony". I think "discord" would suffice. I don't know, I just don't like the sound of "cacophony". Also the end of the third line of the second stanza, I think something other than "my room" would be more powerful. Maybe "your view" or "the world"? And the ending line of the stanza, I don't see the need to repeat "dirty". I mean of course, dirty thoughts make you feel dirty. No need to state the obvious. I think another word like "Human", "Real", "Myself" would give it more meaning. But besides those "flaws" I really did like this piece, especially the ending. Anyways, nice job man and hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Man Versus God
#4
I guess it didn't pick up. I had attempted to use the room/closet as a sort of metaphor, (particuarly winding up in the final stanza) of the narrator as a person. The closet/being gay is just a small part of their room/who they are.

I do get the Cacophony/dirty stuff though, I'll try and rework it a little

Critique'd
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#5
A quick read through, and I enjoyed it a lot, enough to try and give you a helpful crit!

Screaming through clenched teeth
“Why won’t anyone notice me”
Hopefully, someone out there will hear
As it build, forming a cacophony
One million more voices join in
They echo off these closet walls.


I fee like you can start it a little better, without a cliche. You seem to have a vast vocabulary and a way with words, and I think you can say the first two lines a little better. And I'd probably say "as they echo" so it ties it back into the previous lines.


These closet walls
These closet walls are decorated
With everything I’ve hidden from my room
My dirty secrets, my dirty laundry
Every dirty little thought that makes me feel
Dirty


Mmm, I like the idea - I think it was poorly executed. I think the repetition of dirty just didn't work The only way I can think of making it better is to offer more imagery of the closet, rather that say "dirty things all up in my dirt"

My closet keeps me safe
The moment I step outside I’m looking down
The barrel of intolerance
Shot dead in my tracks;
Their mouths fire away


I like this stanza a lot. Brilliant metaphor throughout.

I’m a freak, God hates me and I’ll never be loved
That’s what they tell me every minute
Until the minute I run,
So we packed up and left
To a whole, brand new town.


Loved it until the end. I'd omit the "whole" and maybe redo the last two lines. Make it more interesting like the beginning of the stanza! It seemed to dwindle because it started so emotional and then stopped short, I feel.


A familiar school, a familiar sound
So I hide inside my closet and I never come out
It’s only a small part of my room
But I can stay clean in here
At least until these kids grow up


Also loved the ending, especially the last line - I personally thought it was perfect. Only thing that I would recommend is hinting the piece is about kids at your school (unless you did this on purpose, then that's fine) earlier in the piece, but that doesn't matter at all - I guess that's just what I would have done.


All in all, this was a great piece. I think it can be made better but this piece is promising that you're a good writer. Keep on writing and don't stop

If you wouldn't mind reading one of my poems, that'd be nice. Not expecting a crit or anything

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1458332
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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