#1
yeah, well
we all make those promises at one point, when
magnets and sugars pull and push us
from the sweeping precipes of everything at stake
to everything possibly gained;
i too have looked into your eyes and
promised, spoken the words that
others have said
maybe with a subtle inflection
or expression to spare,
maybe less convincingly.

i stand at the ends of those frayed commitements,
cling to a lifeboat that could sink
at any moment,
but i am convinced i cannot let it go
like a river skirts the riverbanks

like being passionately in love
like remembering being passionately in love
with someone.

i stand passionately in love,
convinced love will float in any waters;
i am convinced i have only shown you
the better pieces to my puzzle.
get up.
let's walk.
there are memories being soaked by
the rising tides
we have to catch every possible falling thing,
sinking thing
while holding and placing the other things
back into place.

like a river skirts a riverbed.
like being passionately in love.
i promised you all of this,
didn't i?
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 24, 2011,
#2
Quote by hippieboy444
yeah, well
we all make those promises at one point, when
magnets and sugars pull and push us
from the sweeping precipes of everything at stake
to everything possibly gained;
i too have looked into your eyes and
promised, spoken the words that
others have said
maybe with a subtle inflection
or expression to spare,
maybe less convincingly.

I enjoyed this. particularly lines 3-6. nice work.

i stand at the ends of those frayed commitements,
cling to a lifeboat that could sink
at any moment,
but i am convinced i cannot let it go
like a river skirts the riverbanks

mmm..."frayed commitments" is a bit cliche. "lifeboat that could sink" is also a little bit cliche. I mean, just the whole lifeboat metaphor when it comes to love poems. i do like the last line though.

like being passionately in love
like remembering being passionately in love
with someone.

hm

i stand passionately in love,
convinced love will float in any waters;
i am convinced i have only shown you
the better pieces to my puzzle.
get up.
let's walk.
there are memories being soaked by
the rising tides
we have to catch every possible falling thing,
sinking thing
while holding and placing the other things
back into place.

i like the repetition of the last stanza brought into this one. the 2nd line, again, is a little cliche. i like the vagueness, but extreme emotions that fill the last 4 lines.

like a river skirts a riverbed.
like being passionately in love.
i promised you all of this,
didn't i?


overall this definitely had its moments. it's hard sometimes to write a poem like this without using a few cliche things. the use of them seems to never be intentional, but when you're conveying as much emotion as you did in this poem, it just sometimes seems inevitable that a few will sneak in. i miss your poetry though, and it was nice to read this.

i have a couple floating around the front page...one being "existence of peas" which is a novella i'm working on (and is a lengthier read) and one being "Christmas Miracles!". if you want to say a word, that's fine. if not, i owe you critiques i'm sure anyway.

keep writing, please.
#3
I'm no poetry buff, but I found it a very enjoyable read. I would agree with alot of what rushmore has said in that I liked the repetition of the themes from the begging at the end. I suppose that the lifeboat metaphor could be seen as cliche but I think that you've gone into it in enough detail for it to work well. I very much liked the rhetorical question at the end, it really leaves that last line resonating in ones mind.
#4
Some of the lines are cliche, but as the above posters said, it works for the most part due to evoking so much emotion. Last stanza was my favorite by far. Nice work.
#5
thanks for reading guys. especially rushmore, man, i've not been hanging around much anymore so thanks for the guidance on your pieces.

i'm messing with changing the lifeboat metaphor but it seems to not mix well with the other water-images... hmmm..
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 24, 2011,