#1
ots, i hate that it came out how it did, i just... i don't know. it just did.

i keep dreaming you’ve died.
the trees on the hill behind your house
stand still, mostly bare
but with a few worn leaves
that curl slowly in the heat.

the strewn clothes, the empty wine bottles,
the odd discarded straw, the bottle of soya sauce
on your bedside drawer-
they are so loud that i cannot speak.

i park outside the fast food restaurant
where we first really spoke-
where i decided i didn’t care what
you looked like without makeup on
or whether you smiled like that at everyone,

and i have never felt so hollow and weighted
and nauseous and lightheaded and just
frozen,
completely frozen.

my thumb traces the side of my index finger.
you’re gone, and i can’t see you,
i can’t smell you, you don’t answer,
i can’t taste you, you don’t answer, i can’t feel you,
you don’t fucking answer.

i keep dreaming you’ve died.
you don’t know that i’ve loved you,
and even if you were to,
i know you couldn’t say why.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
Not bad. I don't really know what I can say about it. Nothing stands out as needing fixing, but the whole thing has the distinct rawness that marks it as an on-the-spot piece. I enjoyed it, but it didn't amaze me in any way. I suggest polishing it up a bit.

EDIT: After another few reads, I take that back, the third stanza stands out to me as really good. Especially "or whether you smiled like that at everyone". Great line.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 25, 2011,
#3
thanks, your pre-edit summed up what i was thinking. in my head this is totally different, i'm going to re-write it and strip it of the messy unrestrained stuff. hopefully it'll turn out a lot cleaner and more conventional.

i appreciate that you liked that line, i like it too. i'll be sure to try and incorporate it into my edit. i'll delete this shortly, i just wanted to say thanks/let you read my thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.