#1
C4C, as always.
As we fled from relation in symbiotic muddle
like a mutual hit-and-run between strangers,
I thought about planetary orbit
and entertained the idea that maybe
the world revolved around me.

Our combined gravity overwhelmed us,
and it sent the earth crashing into my surface to
crater my flesh and rearrange my landscapes
before drifting back into space.

I mourned those wounds
and peppered them with stardust
to make myself feel beautiful, magical;
my geography became a mosaic,
finger-painted by the stars
to capture the adoration of the universe
and the love of a woman.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 27, 2011,
#2
I like this! it gives me a death cab for cutie kind of feel.
that abstract analogy kind of style is something i wish i had in me!

the only word i dont like, and it may just be me, is "muddle". its just not a very pretty sounding word when i hear it - not as in the meaning, but it just doesnt feel nice on the ears.
#3
As we fled from relation in symbiotic muddle
''muddle seems vague, it sounds like sludge feeling. I would replace muddle with confusion.''

like a mutual hit-and-run between strangers,
''is it between the narrator and a love one or friendship?''

I thought about planetary orbit
and entertained the idea that maybe
the earth revolved around me
''good choice of words with planetary orbit that revolves around you. Ultimately planet earth revolves around life as we know it.''

(but too near)
''confused with that description. Doesn’t make connection with sinking into my surface. Make a approach with the comets clashing through the sky and hitting the landscapes.''

and was sinking into my surface to
crater my flesh and rearrange my landscapes.
''Reminds me of each planet in the solar system at one time receiving comets that crash on the surface. This relation clearly describes life trials and tribulations the narrator faces. Wounds from the craters may shape an emotional or physically change in the narrator.''

I mourned those craters (those wounds)
and peppered them with stardust
to make myself feel beautiful, magical;
my geography became a mosaic,
finger-painted by the stars
to capture the adoration of the universe
and the love of a woman.

''Good description from this part. The narrator is clearly troubled at a problem but overcomes it with a positive approach. Creates a world of bright colors, atmospheres, medicine, love, and a comfortable environment.''


''Overall, you used very good descriptive words to capture each moment you’re talking about. I’m certain I know the meaning and reason behind it from reading this piece. You may want to be more direct with the problem you face in the beginning of the peice. Relationship, personal experience, etc.''
#4
Thank you very much for the in-depth critique; it was very helpful. I'll take some of your advice and try to incorporate it into a rewrite of this. I'll definitely work on the metaphor of two planets crashing together, as I don't think I got that idea across very well. That metaphor alone is the backbone of communicating that this is between the narrator and a lover as opposed to a friend.

I'm glad you were able to discern the meaning from this. Most people look at my poetry and just have no idea what it really means, but you actually took the mild effort to see through the metaphors, and wonderfully so.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 26, 2011,
#5
I dont know if this will mean much to you, but this honestly sounds like something that the band Owl City would write haha. I really like the creativity of nouns you used. As a poem I think this has some really neat elements to it. I am curious as to what you mean by the "(but too near)" part. I can agree with xadioriderx that the word "muddle" is a different choice, but I dont think it really does anything postative or negative to the overall poem. I think that you end on a very relateable not when you say "to capture the adoration of the universe and the love of a woman". If I could urge anything for you to do in your rewrite is to keep that ending, it just ties it off really well
Last edited by dominicmorlan at Jul 27, 2011,
#6
I never really listened to Owl City; I'm not into electronica (or whatever you want to call it), but I'll take it as a compliment I guess.

I'm not sure I understand how that metaphor isn't getting across. The concept is that the earth is revolving around me (also a planet in this metaphor) and that the pull is too strong, so the two planets are crashing into each other. The power of the collision then causes the planets to "bounce" away from each other and off into space. It's a metaphor for a love that is at first so strong but eventually causes heavy emotional damage and the lovers part. It's basically a breakup poem.

I may have to make this piece longer so I can elaborate and fully explain the metaphor so it doesn't get confused.

Also, I'm glad you enjoyed the ending. This was definitely one of my many pieces where the payoff is in the last couple lines, though I think I pulled it off much better with this piece than in most of my others.

I'll experiment with this and see if I can make the metaphor clearer. I should have the final draft up within a few hours. Thanks for the input, everyone.

EDIT: The rewrite is up. I wanted it to be longer, but I don't feel like I could have added anything more without being redundant.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 27, 2011,
#8
I've actually been meaning to check them out for quite a while. I've only heard a few of their singles on the radio over the past few years, but I've enjoyed the few songs I've heard.

Thank you all again the for critiques. I'm much happier with this piece now than when I originally wrote it.
#9
if you like death cab, the same guy used to be The Postal Service, the main difference is death cab has instruments and postal service is more synth, it would be a good progression until you start listening to owl city
#10
Meh, I dont listen to much electronica style music either. I have actually only listened to Owl City for about two months because a buddy of mine suggested them to me. I guess how I related it was that they do a lot of metaphores involving space and such things in their music

But back to being on topic, I think your edit does a great job of making your point a bit clearer while not just spelling out your purpose. It gives the reader something to ponder. I like this!
#11
I heard a few songs from Owl City a few years ago (one of my ex's loved Owl City) but I didn't *really* listen to it. I just couldn't get into his voice I think, too mellow.

Anyway, I'm glad you like the edit. I think it does my original idea justice while making it more accessible to the reader.
#12
"like a mutual hit-and-run between strangers"
is a a good line but i feel like it is a roundabout way of getting the situation across.
i would use something more concise, but thats just me.
i got them steamrolfer blues
#13
I really liked this, sir. Everything felt very poised and you kept your spacebound, astral images very concise and focused. Your pieces show great economy in word choice while still maintaining a solid, defined voice. I didn't mind "muddle" so much because, if anything, it blended with "mutual" as some nice alliteration.

I remember in a previous draft of this that the final stanza mentioned "wounds" in relation to the craters. I personally would rather see "wounds" than "craters" only because I'm not a fan of that great repetition. It's pretty minor. Not a whole lot else I'd like to see changed. Great work
here, My Dear, here it is
#14
After another read, I have to agree with you, Subway. The repetition of "craters" is really annoying and detracts more from the piece than I realized. Thank you.
#15
I dig this. I'm with SubwayToVenus in that I thought the word muddles was fine. I read both the original piece you posted and this rewrite and I have to say that this rewrite is much better. I'm impressed by how well you kept the metaphor on track to what you wanted it to be about. It's pretty sweet. And it's sweet in the way that it's clear what you mean, but yet not blunt and super straightforward. Which is refreshing. I've read a few of your posts. You're a good writer, man.