#1
First off - Ive been going through some really difficult stuff lately, and music has often been my outlet, but never my own. Im not really happy with what i have so far, but im hoping by getting it posted and keeping working at it, i can maybe get it somewhere satisfactory. I just have so much in my mind that i cant talk about with people, that i want to find a way to get it out there, and hopefully it will help me mentally some too.

Reading everyones lyrics - good and bad and awful - really helped me to get this far, so thanks in advance!

Heres the new edited version:

In Taking Things for Granted.

Heedless to what I have.
Prized by some, but not by others.
Not by me, not right now.
Left in ruins, a life I once had now becomes a prized, distant memory.
I once again, fixate on simple indulgence, insignificant, but indifferent to the outcome
I need to wake up.

I have been given so much
But I have taken more.
Never content with what I have now
Living an hour at a time,
there is no future, and there is no use for the past

Now only the memories shine
It’s too late to go back
Maybe next time.

I need out of this body
Out of my mind.
I need to find a new direction
Its time to write the future.

Because this path is no good.
I need someone that can comprehend
what it is that I’m feeling
Its time to write my course.

Where do I go from here?
My road less travelled is washed out
From all this wasted time
Is it worth repaving?
Is it even possible?

The road behind me looks promising
But it’s a one way street,
Maybe next time.

I need out of this body
Out of my mind.
I need to find a new direction
Its time to write the future.

Because this path is no good.
I’ve taken everything for granted
And now its time,
Its time to start my life.
Last edited by xadioriderx at Jul 30, 2011,
#2
B]In Taking Things for Granted.

Will I ever be satisfied?
When everything good that I have,
means nothing until it’s wasted.
On a brief moment of satisfaction.
for something I never even wanted,
in reality so insignificant.
How can I stop?

Not bad. Cliche, but not disgustingly so. I don't feel any flow though.

I’ve been given so much
And I have taken so much,
but I’m never happy
Only the memories are good,
but it’s too late to go back.
Maybe next time.

I like this stanza better than the first. I like the contrast within the first two lines. The last line is great. Simple, yet effective.

I need out of this body
Out of my mind.
I need to find a new direction
It’s time for my resurrection

I've never been a fan of the ABCC rhyme scheme, especially in a chorus. Content-wise I like it except for the last line. I don't like the word "resurrection".

Because this path is no good.
I need someone that can comprehend
what it is that I’m feeling
I’m in need of healing


Again, not a fan of the rhyme scheme. The first part of the chorus is much stronger.

I have had it all.
Everything that I need.
I’ve had everything that I’m looking for,
but I never cared til it was gone.
Desecration needing salvation.

This stanza is just really dull. I'm not feeling anything by reading it.


Overall, this isn't a bad start. The biggest problem I encountered was a complete lack of any discernible flow, but it may flow beautifully with the music for all I know. Other than that, you should work on the originality a bit; just because it's a cliche subject doesn't mean the execution needs to be cliche (though compared to the other pieces I've read in the past couple days, this isn't nearly as cliche.)

Also, this isn't evoking much emotion in me. You need to use stronger imagery. Make me feel what you're feeling. With some work, this could be a really good piece.
#3
thanks for the reply!
i definitely felt that i couldnt get my feelings out. i also know its a cliche topic, but its what im living right now. regret and the realization that i have wasted so much.
i guess ill just have to keep working at word choice and see what i can do with imagery. ive never been great at it, or expressing my emotions anyways.
anyways thank you for the reply, ill work at it some and post what i can come up with!
#5
Quote by xadioriderx
First off - Ive been going through some really difficult stuff lately, and music has often been my outlet, but never my own. Im not really happy with what i have so far, but im hoping by getting it posted and keeping working at it, i can maybe get it somewhere satisfactory. I just have so much in my mind that i cant talk about with people, that i want to find a way to get it out there, and hopefully it will help me mentally some too.

Reading everyones lyrics - good and bad and awful - really helped me to get this far, so thanks in advance!

Heres the new edited version:

In Taking Things for Granted.

Heedless to what I have.
Prized by some, but not by others.
Not by me, not right now.
Left in ruins, a life I once had now becomes a prized, distant memory.
I once again, fixate on simple indulgence, insignificant, but indifferent to the outcome
I need to wake up.
I like this stanza, but for some reason, I'm not a huge fan of the first word being "heedless". Maybe work that opening line around - because it may just be me, but it doesn't quite hook. Possibly the first three lines, actually. "Prized by some, but not by others," isn't an especially powerful statement. It's kind of like, "Eh. It could go either way," which isn't a very strong commitment, nor something that would especially be worth mentioning in that case. The indulgence, insignificant, indifferent alliteration was very nice, and I thought it read well. I liked that line. Also, the closing line to the stanza, "I need to wake up," was effectively placed, I thought.

I have been given so much
But I have taken more.
Never content with what I have now
Living an hour at a time,
there is no future, and there is no use for the past
The "I have given so much..." bit was a nice start for this section, if a little vague. The only real glaring issue (aside from some ambiguity with your intentions) is the very last line: "There is no future, and there is no use for the past." That reads as very melodramatic, and not necessarily in the good way. Thinking about it, it may be because boldly stating, "There is no future," doesn't fit with the motif of the rest of the stanza previous. Perhaps making intentions stronger in the rest of this stanza would make it stand out with less melodrama.

Now only the memories shine
It’s too late to go back
Maybe next time.
Brief, but to the point. I like it.

I need out of this body
Out of my mind.
I need to find a new direction
Its time to write the future.

Because this path is no good.
I need someone that can comprehend
what it is that I’m feeling
Its time to write my course.

Some of this reads a little vague as well, and I'm really sorry to be getting onto you about it, but my reason is this: You're writing something that's a very deep-rooted issue, and if your intentions aren't strong with every line, and doesn't come off as powerfully as it could - and it could come off VERY powerfully. The last stanza of the chorus is a little weird to me: "I need someone to comprehend / What it is that I'm feeling," is a little confusing, because there was no mention of a person previously, and none later. That line just doesn't work with the message you're delivering with the rest of the lyrics.

Where do I go from here?
My road less travelled is washed out
From all this wasted time
Is it worth repaving?
Is it even possible?
VERY nice. I really like this. You know why? Because it feels honest, and it feels real. It isn't vague (I'm sorry for using that word so much) and it's very real. You really feel for the writer.

The road behind me looks promising
But it’s a one way street,
Maybe next time.
This is pretty good. The complete dismissing of the road behind you, though, is kind of anti-climactic. The "one way street" metaphor is wonderful, though.

I need out of this body
Out of my mind.
I need to find a new direction
Its time to write the future.

Because this path is no good.
I’ve taken everything for granted
And now its time,
Its time to start my life.



Overall, this is a good piece. It does need a little bit of work, but it's a concept that's been done time and again - and for the most part, you've avoided cliche. It shows a lot of promise.
#6
Quote by ThePhanastasio
Overall, this is a good piece. It does need a little bit of work, but it's a concept that's been done time and again - and for the most part, you've avoided cliche. It shows a lot of promise.


thank you for the in depth reply! now that its been a few days and i read it back over, i can see where a lot of the vagueness is. its a lot easier for me to know what im saying because im writing it, but after some time away i can see now where it doesnt quite have the meaning i thought it did in a few parts.
i will take all this and do some rewriting, thank you again!
#7
Thanks for the crit you gave me last week . Sorry I haven't managed to crit this earlier but the day after I posted that piece I went on a vacation for a week, so I only saw your message today. I haven't really got much to add since the two above users have already said pretty much everything already.
I though the fourth and fifth lines of the first stanza were a bit too long for the rest of it, but the content is great. The one way street bit was my favourite part of this piece.
It's pretty good, keep up the hard work.
Last edited by StrumThatFender at Aug 9, 2011,